I go back and forth a lot.
When I first met you, I thought you were kind of a freak, and it was awkward to hang out with you. Then you were so nice and complimentary and you wanted me, kind of. And I was getting to know you better. I found out things I really liked. You were so passionate and you had qualities very hard to find yet very important to me. And I don’t typically find that and have it seem interested. So I rethought about things.
You wanted stuff to happen, and I never really let it happen. Practically, I knew we were friends and I didn’t want to screw things up, and I thought it would be weird, and also I got a weird un-serious vibe from you about it. But I think also because I was scared to. I did kind of want to, but I was scared.
Then a bunch of other stuff happened. I won’t go into too many details. I went back and forth, do I have feelings for him maybe, oh no I definitely don’t, oh I think I do, oh I don’t know. I’ve never been good at this type of thing. I second guess myself all the time. I thought maybe I just like getting attention from a guy, but at the same time, it felt a little like a lie when I said that. I was confused and I really just got caught up in things. But regardless of my feelings, you were a douchebag. It is not okay to play with me the way you did. Telling me I’m beautiful, then that you have feelings for my best friend, and then trying to get with me, then talking about your heartbreak over some other girl.
Anywho, I’m not gonna dwell on the past too much, at least I’m trying not to. But now. Everytime I try to talk to you about what happened and how you hurt me and why you did everything you did, you are even more of an ass. Saying things like, can’t you get let me be happy, and all of your insincere apologies. I get so angry, at you, at myself. Then I just try to let it go, we have a friendly conversation. A lot of the time you only came to me about girl advice, which really annoyed me, so I was blunt and unattached, you didn’t notice.
I get reminded of the good about you every now and then though. The way you can make me laugh or smile, how passionate you are about certain things, your certain morals. But I remind myself of the bad things too.
I felt/feel a connection with you, that is so strange. When you look at me (and I have a REALLY hard time believing you don’t notice this too) there is sometimes this moment that is really intense, and kind of says something. You said yourself a few months ago that we had sexual tension. That is hard for me to just ignore.
Right now, during summer, I have a lot of boredom, and sometimes it’s nice to day dream. I never think of you specifically, it’s just kind of the idea of you. How close you are and those qualities about you. I don’t know. It feels weird that I kind of use this idea of you, but it’s a nice thought.
I find it hard to imagine that we would ever actually be together. And at the same time, I find it hard to believe that you and I would never get together.
Everyone thinks that I’m way to good for you and that you’re just a fool trying to hit on me, that you could never have a chance with me. But then you were over there thinking I was madly in love with you. You confused me so much I never knew if you liked me or not, regardless of the fact that everyone told me they thought you were in love with me. But you told me you didn’t have feelings for me, just these other girls. And I set it straight that I wasn’t in love with you.
And I’m not THAT dumb and naive, a little probably, but not totally. All the blah blah blah, and getting over shit, I know, I’ve thought about it. I am NOT the girl to get caught up in drama shit like this normally. I’m normally the one people go to in pickles like these. I tell it like it is and don’t get all caught up, I just do what needs to be done. Anywho.
You make me so mad sometimes, and I think to things like The Notebook, where they fought but loved each other. It’s dumb but it crosses my mind. I think about all this tension and connection with us.
But I’ve found myself being influenced by you. In very, extremely subtle ways. But I’m noticing it. It makes me mad at myself but maybe it’s normal.
I don’t like that I feel you have all the power though. If you wanted to be with me, then I would definitely think of giving it a try. But you really only ever wanted me as a warm body to fill the loneliness.
For once, I would really love to be the girl that has a guy want her, and no one else. Even if it isn’t you.
But I go back and forth so much about everything. I hate you, we’re close, hate you, good friends, maybe someday, anger.
Am I just a dumb girl that needs to get over this, or is there something that is distinct enough to still care?