2 months ago, I would swear to my self I would never write in here, just read.
Just read so that I knew that there are people who are more lonely than I am, that actually I am lucky.
That my friends are just jealous of me… because I have the perfect life. It does sound awfully vain but I am beautiful, I have a great body, a 4.0 GPA in college, a great family, and what up until now seems like a great relationship.
So every time they would do something mean to me like criticize my boyfriend, me, leave me out of everything, and lots of little things I would just be quiet and calm. Not cry, or cut or anything. I would just let the little things they did to me stored in the back of my heart. Because I knew there are worst things in life than having bad friends.
But then again the little things started to “flood” my heart. I realized I’ve never really had any real friends. I’ve always been betrayed, ever since I can remember. I don’t think I’ve ever had the same group of friends for more than a year or two. And now that I’m think I”m close to having to look for another group I’m just exhausted. Really, I just don’t believe in friendship anymore. Although I have to say I do have two friends I totally trust we will be friends for ever. But they do seem like isolated cases.
Even then, my boyfriend and I were talking, and I mentioned how much I liked the fact that we had been best friends before we were in love. and he said that we weren’t really best friends. Just friends, and that we both knew something was going on. He didn’t want to hurt me, but goshh… I couldn’t help it. Wow. It felt like, “well maybe if he didn’t want something to do with me we wouldn’t have been friends.”
This guy I’m dating, my boyfriend he is great. He is 8 years older than me and we are our first relationship. I cannot even begin to describe how great he is. He really is my part time love and my full time friend, as corny as it sounds. He knows my friends , and he knows they are mean to me. And I used to tell him the things they did to me, and he would just hold me and give me advice. At first, I would tell him the “more major” things, but I guess I got used to the idea that he would always have my back, so I started to tell him a lot of things they did that bothered me.
I don’t know why, he didn’t exactly say so, or made a face, or sound or anything, but I knew he had gotten tired of this, like I would always tell him what they did to me that day or what they said. I know I mean, who would tell her 26 y.o. boyfriend her 18 y.o. girl trouble. So I decided I would not tell him anything about them anymore, because then maybe he could get tired of Me altogether.
And that somehow added a great deal to my feelings of loneliness. But then again I must say I am not alone at all. I am room mates with four of my “friends”, I see my boyfriend everyday, my mom too. Im just Lonely.
I tried being mean, because apparently, it is easier to make people fear you than it is to make them love you. But I couldn’t, that’s just not me. I could be mean, I know exactly where to hit them so that it hurts the most. Sometimes I wish I had more strength of character.
I noticed, I cry almost every night. Not sob, just quiet tears. At night, when no one can see or hear. I am much more vulnerable, so much more, to the degree anything, anything, makes me want to cry at night. Things like, my boyfriend not telling me I love you yesterday, even if I know he does, he held me all night long, picked me up at the airport, everything he does tells me he loves me, somehow I just need to hear it. Wow, just writing this makes me want to cry. Again, just quiet tears that’s all. Say, yesterday, he said he didn’t like one of my undies, it just hurt so much. But why? this vulnerability is hurting me and my relationship. Which apart from the relationship with my family is about the one of the only ones I have.
I had surgery 3 weeks ago, so I haven’t been able to exercise since. Yesterday was a roommate’s birthday, and we were all at the pool. I couldn’t dare to take my clothes off, not because I thought I was fat. I am not fat. but no exercise has made me lose tone and such, lets just say its a bit out of shape. a liiiittle bit. But I could already hear their voices behind my back, saying how I was not as skinny as I used to be, blah blah blah.
My boyfriend said he wants to marry me one day, and I do too, really. But in my heart I know that my parents would never let me. He is a good guy, with a Finance major, nice family, but I just know. And then again, when I think of that I get lonely. Its weird, since I know anything can happen in like 3 years that makes us not to want to get married. But is sad to know I might not be able to have that choice.
And the story starts, on how little by little, any little thing anyone does strikes me right in the heart. I mean who would cry for panties? but I notice how I always say I love You first… and little things like that, that make me want to cry at night. I am scared to death that we break up because of me and my own insecurities, because then I would know that it was my fault, and I could have prevented it if I have more strength of character, and then I would be super lonely. And I don’t want to be lonely forever.
If you read this, thanks. It’s nice to know there is still someone to talk to.