Dear Panda Bear,
I wrote the perfect letter to you in my head last night but now I feel like I’m at a loss for words. I had a dream about you and woke up crying my eyes out. It felt so real. I almost wish it was real because although I was crying it meant that we may get back together. I don’t want to sound cliche but we were different. We are different. I miss how we used to be, I miss when we were madly in love with each other. I don’t know if that summer apart is wshat ruined us, or if it was moving in together too early or if it was just me. I know I hurt you. I know I lied to you. I have my problems. I can’t justify my actions. I could try to rationalize it and say I was acting out because we felt so different. I could even say that I was just trying to make myself happy because of how depressed I am. None of that would make up with what I did to you. I realize that even though they were just girls, it still wasn’t right.
I love you. I have never felt more comfortable around anyone in my life. I loved waiting for you to come home from work. I loved kissing you goodbye in the morning when I was leaving for class. I miss you looking out for me on days when I tried to skip advanced neuro because I was just too damn tired. I’m always tired. Without you in my life I feel even more tired. I know I was the one that told you not to talk to me but sometimes I wish you would. I wish we could rebuild what we had. If what we had was real then we can do this. I wish we could be adults about this. I was I could be an adult about this. I know I’ve been that annoying ex girlfriend but I don’t care. I can’t imagine going through my senior year without you. I can’t imagine graduating and never seeing you again. It feels like we’re in two different worlds. It’s hard enough on me to look after “our” puppy. You haven’t even asked about her. I know you bought her for me but that doesn’t matter. You bought her for me after we broke up. And then gave her back to me when we were in a really bad place.
We can’t be finished, I won’t accept that. But if I have to eventually I just want you to know that I do truly love you. I’m sorry for everything I did and I’m sorry for acting crazy afterwards. I really have never felt this way about anyone before. I will still think about the house we looked at. And the life we planned. I have the puppy we talked about, I’m on my way to starting that life I’m just missing you.
I will love you forever.
I’m so sorry,