• there must be some mistake.

    by  • July 27, 2011 • * Safe for Work *, Confusion • 0 Comments

    I just don’t understand. Why, when I try so hard, despite your insults, and work my ass off, am I still considered inadequate? Why, when I give everything and try everything, am I still a failure? This isn’t my point. I’m not bashing you for telling me the truth. My point is I know I’m not good enough. I realize that day after day. I’m constantly trying to be better. I know I’m lousy, obnoxious, eccentric, over reactive, idiotic, and just plain meaningless. I know I should get better grades. I’m aware that I don’t clean up after myself very often. I get that I should be nicer. I can tell when I’ve upset you. I know because every time the guilt eats away at me constantly until I just, explode. Guilt is my weakness. I can smile at someone and feel guilty! I feel guilty about just saying how I feel right now! Look, I’m sorry if it seems like I’m exploding at YOU, because I’m not. I just…cave in! I lose all sanity. What frustrates me is when I make the mistake you seem to NEED to point it out. I will never, ever, ever apologize if you point out what I did wrong! If you could just let me take in how much crap I put you through, even for one minute, I would run back to you begging for forgiveness. The guilt attacks me until I implode. I’ve told you this almost a thousand times, and you still just won’t let me be! Every time, I just end up mad. The worst part is you always think I’m mad at you. I could never be mad at you when I’m the one who screwed things up. The truth is I’m extremely mad at myself. I’m beating myself up, incessantly. I’m ripping myself to pieces, wishing I could have just been PERFECT for you. I can’t. I just can’t. No matter how hard I try I can never give that to you. I can never be that perfect person for you. So I will forever torture myself for how incapable I am at being good enough for you. I just don’t get why I have to be reminded by you every day about how horrible I am. Isn’t this the time when you’re supposed to lift me higher? Aren’t you supposed to be helping me up and not tearing me down? I don’t need the criticism, because I know I’m a crappy person. It’s your job to make me believe I’m not, right?

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