I wish I could tell you. I want to, honest. But there’s no way you’d want me as much as I want you. I’ve been in head over heels, goo-goo-ga-ga love with you for three years. That’s a lot of time for me to mull all of these thoughts and feelings over.
I mean, I couldn’t tell you in the beginning, because you were with her, your amazing, pretty, funny, hardworking girlfriend. I wouldn’t ever want to hurt you, so I shoved my feelings way back down from where they came from.
Than she broke your heart. And where was I? On the other side of the phone, texting you to stay strong, that you’re amazing, that you’re not worthless. I put you back together, piece by piece. And than you were single…which was good. You’d been tied down for so long, it was nice to see you mingle. Now, I was okay, for a while. But I am sadly, a very jealous person. I mean, I hide a lot of it away, but holy shit…even I amaze myself at the things that pop into my head when I get jealous. So what did I do, I shoved all of those feelings down too.
Now, I think I messed up a little bit when I pushed myself away, when I wouldn’t text you, or even go over and see you anymore. I just couldn’t look at you without thinking what a mistake this all is, that I should be in your arms, looking into your gorgeous eyes, that I could fall asleep knowing that you were probably thinking about me too. But alas, yet again…another girl came along.
This wouldn’t be such a bad thing, if it wasn’t a friend of mine. It broke my fucking heart, alright? I can’t stand being around you anymore. You’ve changed. You got a tattoo yesterday? Why now? What changed? I wish you’d tell me. The saddest part is that now, we’re talking again, as friends, of course. But now, it’s like I say something, and it’s in one ear, out the other. I could tell you I was leaving, never coming back, and you wouldn’t even notice.
Maybe that’s why I’m trying so desperately to get a job…to save up money to move all the way to Portland, OR…just to put some distance…just so I won’t have to see your face and hear your voice, just so I can try to forget about you, even though I know it’s impossible.
Ramey, I wish I could tell you. I do. But I’m not worth you. I wish I was, but that’s all I can do.