Dearest Darlingest Love and Heart:
I’m so caught up in you, I don’t even have time to think about myself.
Do you know how much that freaking SUCKS?
The sad thing is, after seeing some couples on Facebook, I started thinking about cute photos I could do with my fake boyfriend. And I posed for it, laughing with my fake boyfriend and myself.
I’ve already had my first kiss, but Hell, it sucked. I felt one little thing. And then he moved. I was also in 4th grade.
I’d like a re-do.
I know that it’s a sad existence, to sit in the corner of the room. Only in Youth Group do I feel like myself. Not even in school, where most guys my age are.
I’ve only had your warmth glow for once or twice, and I doubt the feeling was mutual.
You’ve made me cry over one guy because he was moving. And that was 6th grade. The second time a guy’s made me cry was when I didn’t see him after a very fun moment in time before that.
I feel so pitiful. I feel so helpless. I want something. Not the kind that I stay in bed for a little longer to see where my fake boyfriend takes me next.
I want someone who’s real. I keep reaching out, grasping nothing. Should I just stop? Admit defeat?
Am I just meant to be single forever?
Look what you’ve done to a teenager. Screw you.
I want something. Anything. I hate that little dark corner that should be flooded with light.
I want love not from my family and friends. I want that one guy who can stand out in a crowd to me, and me alone.
Am I aiming too high?
I’m such a hopeless romantic.
I write terrible romance novels with the big brawny god from above, and a simple me.
Should I go for the lower class, the ones who when light is shed on them, they begin to shrivel up and-
NO. I refuse to sprawl out that much.
You’ve played with me enough, Heart. You’ve canceled out the reasonable objections Head has so carefully webbed. I hate going for a guy who’s already won over. He wouldn’t even see me. He doesn’t even see me. I mean, even when A’s not there, he seems too occupied with something else.
I’m getting a weird pain, something that’s cold, but also heated.
I’m sick of imagining fake crap that’ll never happen.
But I want to be seen. I want some guy to look over from the bustling occupying time of life, and take it easy with me. I want to knock a guy off his feet. Maybe I have. But I doubt it.
I mean, I’d love it if Brownie OR Blondie looks over to see me again. Brownie only did whenever another guy is. He’s way too into my sister who’s older than him and not to mention her unfairly big boobs. :/ Blondie… It’s been weird, some days he’s totally into me, and the next he could have nothing to do with me. Am I just stressing over nothing? Because he’s tall, blonde, nice, funny, respectful, not to mention his good looks. Did A already get him? I know she’s grabbed every other guy. But did Blondie run from geese with her? Did he lean all the way into her at a Purity Rally? Did she-
I hate jealousy. I hate despair. I hate the concept of “love”. I don’t want to give up hope, I want to think about how one day, A will have a dude, and Blondie will come back. I’ve acted like a total idiot and a loser in front of him, and he always laughs it off. He’s got a comforting laugh. He even volunteered to sit with me instead of his other friend. Unless that was just niceness. Maybe it’s too good to be true. Maybe I’m that stupid girl who wants to fall into a real love that involves the feeling to be mutual and on fire. To feel sparks whenever you talk to them, and to blush at the thought of them.
I’m so done.
I’m so done.
I’m so done.
Love: Screw you. I really hope you help me, but right now I feel like I’m a lost cause on you, you keep making all the guys with some kind of chance move.
Heart: Can’t you and Head team up for once? I hate choosing.
I wish that I could be the chill girl who had any guy on her leash. But I’m the one who gets loud, stupid, and rather foolish.
I want love so much.