Where to start… So much has happened, but at the same time it seems as though we are at a standstill. I love you. I am absolutely and utterly crazy about you, and even though we have to spend months apart the feelings never weaken. I guess the whole reason I really need to write this letter is to say all of the things that I can never really say to you. I’ll never understand why you’re so opposed to dating me, even though we act like we are already together. That moment when I looked you in the eyes and told you I loved you and you started to cry, maybe that was a sign. Why was I too drunk to overlook the fact that you didn’t say it back, that you couldn’t say it back? I don’t want to say that I’ve wasted a year of my life on you, because you have made me so happy in the time that we’ve spent together, but you’ve also made me the most miserable too.
Things are a lot different now than the way they were when we first met. I’d never been in a situation like I was with you, where things were so… casual. I didn’t really like it, but for some reason I just couldn’t help coming back. We’d go for days without talking, and I told myself I was okay with that. But things slowly changed and evolved, and now we’re where we are now. You can’t just get drunk and say things to me and then say you didn’t mean them the next day. That’s not how being drunk works. Alcohol makes you honest, brings out things you want to keep hidden, so saying you loved me when you were drunk can’t be taken lightly. If you really knew how many nights I’ve spent longing for you, how many days I’ve been on edge because you didn’t text me, the way I read through every birthday post on your Facebook wall again and again, trying to detect a hint of a connection with some other girl. That’s what you have to deal with spending the summer apart I supposed. So we’re pretty weird I guess. Me in love with you, you refusing to date me but wanting things to stay the way there are. Well you know what? Nothing gold can stay. We can’t be like this forever. And today I realized something…. if you won’t date me now, are you going to date me ever? Where is this going? I hate that we don’t talk about if we’ve been seeing other people this summer. I have a lot of guilt about kissing another person, but who knows what you’ve been up to. I want to think that our connection is enough, but with so many variables, how am I supposed to know? How long do I wait for something that isn’t even a sure thing? Maybe I’m an idiot. Maybe I should be listening to other people who say this isn’t fair for you to do to me. Even YOU don’t think it’s fair…. But the worst part is, that deep down, I know I’m not going anywhere, I’ll always be here waiting for you. And I think that part is almost worse than not knowing if you’ll ever feel the same.