If i wasn’t so afraid of breaking your heart, I would write all this down and read it to you. and then I would walk away. and that would be that. We could see eachother at school throughout the years, maybe at any greek events. I would hope that we could share a smile or a laugh and be the couple who will always be friends. Thats what I would hope for, but i know it would take yout ime. Cause your still into this relationship, while I’m halfway out the door. But you don’t know that yet cause I’m across the world from you, we talk every now and then. It allows for me to find some bit fo happiness to feed you a facade of our relationship, to make you think everything is still perfect. But if i could write this out and read it to you, this is what I would say:
“I’ve walked through the wind and the rain to get here.
I’ve seen rainbows and endless scapes of ocean set out before me, along the way.
That wasn’t enough to keep that smile that I had started out with.
I got struck, sometime in the storm, by lightening or by some other catastrophic fatality and I was damaged.
So I’m here now, and you only get half of me. And thats not fair to you cause you’ve always given me all of you and more.
I don’t deserve you, nor do I feel equal to you.
Please let me say what I need to say, because It will only help you in the long run.
When I told you what happened with him, the first thing you did was ask me if “I was ok”… Thats when I knew it wasn’t going to work.
Any reasonable person would’ve gotten mad at me, or not responded etc. But no, you asked how my mental state was.
I told you I was bad and that I didnt want to talk about it, and you respected that and kept on making me feel so special. But he was that lightening in the storm. He broke something inside of me. He didn’t just force me to makeout with him like I said he had. He did more. I just didn’t want to hurt you even more when I was so far away.
It will take time to make me feel less dirty again. Right now I feel like an object, and I feel empty and used. Time, that I’m not gunna ask you to wait through.
Nobody wants something secondhand, or used.
which is why, I need to let you go.
You have so many gorgeous girls surrounding you in your life, and I’ve held you back form those opportunities. Those girls are not pieces of shit like me, they haven’t been sexually used by other people, they aren’t borderline depression…
No, those girls are happy. And I want you to be happy, which I believe you can no longer be with me.
So please let me walk away from you tonight.
I hope we can talk again, I will give you space, but let me know when you are ready to be friends again. You are the best thing about my life, and to lose you completely would be devestating. The thought of coming home to you was the last thing holding my sanity together. But now that I am home, I realize that I needed to stop being selfish and let you live a happier life.
I love you. I’ve loved you for a very long time now, and I’ve never had the courage to tell you that till now. Its all out on the table. Everything. I hope your life brings you great things, and I hope you find happiness in all that is around you. Thank you for making my life worth it for the past year.
I love you.
And then I would leave you sitting on our bench at the beach, and that would be the end of it. You’d call me on my birthday and ask to meet me, we’d talk like nothing had happened and I’d tell you that I’m happy even though I’m not. And you’d tell me that you met someone new, and that you were truly happy as well. It would be a day I’d never forget. And maybe months from then I would see you at a party and we could hug and laugh and smile together. just like the old times. And maybe I’d be over you, and I could see you with her. Maybe I’d even like her. I’d just want to see your happiness. And then we’d talk a little here and there, I may stop by your house to talk to your mom from time to time. And that would be it, we’d go our separate ways. And you’d be happy. Cause thats the bottom line to all this. But I cant do it, cause for a short while I’d be breaking your heart. and that breaks me even more. I’ll come back home and see how hard it is to put that facade back up. If it is too hard, then the inevitable must happen. I wish you could fix me, and we could be happy together. That would be the best solution. I love you. Goodbye.