• I just don’t know.

    by  • July 26, 2011 • * Safe for Work *, Letting Go • 0 Comments

    Dear J,

    We have been friends for at least 3 years now. We shared our first kiss the night we first met, remember that? It was a COMPLETE disaster because it was too dark to really see each other.

    I don’t know why I kissed you that night, Like how I don’t know why I randomly asked to be your girl friend and then changed my mind that same week last year. I don’t know why we slept together 2 weeks ago.

    I keep trying to reassure myself that I wont keep hurting you. I told you I didn’t know what we were or what our relationship still is. I don’t even know my own feelings. I don’t know if I want a relationship. With you. Or even any other guy.

    The other night when you were gone on your trip, I went to a party. I met this great guy, B. He made me laugh so hard I was crying. Granted I was drunk, but he was incredible.

    I fear that I don’t like you in a way to have a relationship with you when I see other guys as a better match for me. Its silly really because I don’t even know if B likes me in that way, but I want to know more about him.

    Meeting B made me realize that we don’t have much in common.

    I can’t recall a time you laughed at one of my jokes or witty comments. Or a time I laughed at something you said.

    Every time we hang out together, we are with a bunch of your friends and you don’t really pay attention to me. Either that or your high. Even though you know I don’t smoke. Maybe your just a pot head, but I don’t want someone who has to be high in order to do anything.

    I write all this knowing that the last 2 nights before you left for your trip were probably the most passionate nights of my life. But I haven’t had very many guys sleep with me or be very passionate about me in any way. Mainly they just try to get into my pants while still in my car.

    I just love you as a brother. I don’t know if we can be anything other than friends that keep accidentally doing things together. I really don’t know.

    I will love you always,

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