I Hate You (because I figured out I’ll always love you).
What am I supposed to do when you announce you’ve moved on but your body language says something else? Why am I even thinking about you when I can vividly remember how all of this ended? Why is it that after months of rebuilding my strength and telling myself I’ll be okay, I come to this point where it feels all my power has floated away? You can’t do this to me, it’s not fair. Especially cause I’m not sure you tried to. But I just feel so small again and I miss you so much. And I’m so so scared that no one else will ever make me feel the way you did.
I told myself if circumstances changed, and they have, that I would reconsider. But all that’s changed is you’re going to community college. It’s great that you’re getting a move on with your life, but I don’t think I can look at that change as enough reason to go back to what I miss so much. So really seeing you is nothing but a huge emotional challenge. It’s like, “Oh yeah, that thing I yearn for so much but know is bad for me, yay.”
Totally forgot about all the constant frustration I feel when I think about how much part of me wants you, but can’t have you on account of the fact that you never really want me back enough to show me. I know that there’s some communication disconnect. Like a lot of your emotion just didn’t translate. But in the end, that just means you don’t care enough right? Like if you cared I would see visible signs of an effort. But I just didn’t. I never never never saw it. Despite how much I put on the line for you. Why is it that the one person who can make me feel so worthless like this is the same person that I want so badly to just hold. Fuck it. It makes no sense and I think even that is just another reason my subconscious chases you so much. So fuck it. Why is this happening and what can I do to fix this?
My best guess is wait. I just have to sit here, hoping one day I could be important to you, and you could want to go out of your way to catch me. Cause god knows I can go and have gone after you, but the only way I could know you care is if you were the one to take that risk for once. And that’s the most painful part, is I’m nearly sure you never will. Deep down, I don’t think I was your everything. You were always mine, but I think that when you met me I was just convenient for you. So I’ll sit here waiting, and maybe one day I could be important to you. Or maybe one day I’ll move on. Sucks cause that one’s so much more practical, but it feels oh so unattainable right now, and it’s fucking nearly half a year after the fact. Why do I love someone that makes me feel like such shit? I need to get away.