• Forbidden love.

    by  • July 26, 2011 • * Safe for Work *, Letting Go • 0 Comments

    High school love is cruel. Especially when you’re in love with one of your friend’s girl.

    I never knew a heart could be strewed as violently as I had mine. The girl I had fallen in love with happened to be my lockermate this year. I had about 5/9 classes with her so we walked everywhere together, and became the best of friends. But never was I secluded to the friend zone, even though she was dating my friend for a year. I had so many experiences with her, and we connected on the highest level. It wasn’t until after we had taken a school trip to France that I realized she captured my heart.

    The one thing I truly love and hate about this girl was that she had no filter to what she said. She spoke exactly what she felt. She at one point, after the prom that year when I had gone with one of her friends to the prom and she with my friend and a bunch of our other friends, told me that she wouldn’t be able to help herself if we danced together. She told me she wanted to dance with me but she had a boyfriend…

    Later I made a mistake that I’m still not sure I regret or not. One night, we were texting each other at 2 in the morning, I told her that I couldn’t stop thinking about her, I tried to stop it but the text still had been sent. We conversed and I discovered that she had been curious about me too. She even told me she wanted to know what I was like (to this day I haven’t figured out if that was meant sexual or as sentimental), but she couldn’t, because she has a boyfriend.

    So by now you must be wondering exactly what I have been throwing my subconscious for over half a year now, if she’s that curious why doesn’t she dump him? I probably should tell you that their relationship has many ups and downs, he makes her cry all the time, but no matter what he does, she doesn’t come to think that he’s a bitch to her. Instead, she likes to think that she must have done something wrong. I want to tell her that she doesn’t have to continue dating him just because they’ve been going out for awhile. But I don’t want to do that to her, I care too much for her.

    Now it’s the summer, and my friend and her girl have had countless sex. But I can’t let her go. She knows how I feel about her, but she has yet to deny me, which is actually frustrating me. She comes to me complaining about her boyfriend, and I haven’t the heart to tell her off, so I listen. We text everyday and usually over 200 times. She has told me that she is still curious about me, even though she shouldn’t be since she loves her boyfriend. She has told me that she wishes she could give me what I want sometimes. Whether that’s sexual or sentimental I still haven’t figured out. She talks about me sleeping over in her dorm in college, tempting me even more. She talks about how she wishes there were two of her so that one of them could be with me. Because I love her…and she loves me…but we can’t…because she has a boyfriend…

    I can’t get her out of my mind, she’s the most beautiful girl I’ve ever laid eyes on. She’s all I ever wanted in a girl and more, but I can’t have her. I know that I’ll probably never have her, but she just won’t stay out of my head.

    I wish I knew what to do.

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