I’m so lost right now. I want to cry and I want to pretend that everything is fine. That this isn’t affecting me.
But after 3 months of silence, preceded by 4 months of a mix of ignoring you, tense conversations, pretending I wasn’t hurt, and lashing out, I don’t know how to act like everything’s okay.
A year ago, I was planning my trip north, where we finally got to meet face-to-face. I wouldn’t have guessed then that the easy way we talked, the unabashed way I could tell you any and everything, randomly and out of the blue with no reason whatsoever, would someday be gone.
I’ve other friends up that way, but I’m afraid to finalize travel plans because one is your friend, too. What if she wants to meet, and I have to see you again? Can I act like I don’t still think about you all the time? Can I pretend as if I don’t care whether you’re still single or have someone?
You made this step. You made the first effort, however slight, and I’m afraid to read too much into it because since then, it’s me who’s been contacting you. Rarely, because I can’t just go back to before when you don’t seem inclined to WANT to talk. But then why say anything to me at all?
You’re confusing as shit. I want things to go back to the way they were, but need a road map, ’cause I don’t know how to get back there. I don’t know how to make that happen, or if it’s even possible at this point.
Once again, my chest hurts with this feeling of loss that I can’t do anything about. I tried to find the letter. The first one I wrote to you, on here, completely opening up. The only one I let you read. It seems to be gone, completely, and I’m not sure whether to be relieved or not. I think it only adds to this feeling. It doesn’t seem to matter if we’re talking or not, in the end, I’ve lost you. Or more accurately, the possibility of having you, because let’s face it, I never had you to begin with.
What do I do? How do I move forward without hurting so much?