I stumbled upon this site and thought “this is so amazing, i have so much to say about what’s going on”. And now that I see this giant comment box…my mind just goes blank. But you know what? I’m just gonna say EVERYTHING that comes to mind.
Truthfully, i’ve already done this. I’ve written 4 letters on my own about this very same situation. They’re still hidden in my sock drawer as I type. A part of me thought about sending them to you later on in life. But the other part of me thought “no way. that’s a stupid idea. He’d just laugh”. Turns out the 2nd part is probably a little more accurate. I have never in my life held a guy so HIGHLY on a pedestal. You were THE prototype. I was convinced. I knew it in my heart that if there was anyone I was going to end up with, he’d be just like you. You had such a way of making me feel like I was beautiful in my own skin. Accepted in all my personality flaws. And cherished as I am.
I remember after my surgery I thought I would never show my body to anyone because of the few scars it left. And one day, you asked to see me. I put up a fight and tried to make excuses but you saw right through it. You said “Just show me.” So…after a pep talk to myself. I did. And your response changed my life. You simply laughed and said “you’re beautiful”. As I typed that, it took everything in me not to break down. It was like something out of a movie, it made me feel incredibly comfortable around you from then on out. And you expressed you were comfortable with me too.
We were never very stable. We had so many ups and downs it was crazy. But I never once searched for things to be mad at you about. I wish I could tell you that. I never WANTED to be on bad terms. But you’d hurt me so bad and not even realize. So when i’d try to express it….you’d simply pawn me off as the girl who cries wolf. And this last time was the breaking point. I told myself I was beyond done with you. It was over for good. You’re leaving. I’m leaving. So it doesn’t even matter. But with mutual friends, meeting up again was inevitable. Still, I had no intentions of actually talking to you. But how could I ignore the butterflies? The skipped-heartbeats? The voice in my head saying “GO to him”? Eventually I spoke. And everything seemed back to normal.
As bad as I wished that we could do MORE than just talking…I knew that was out of the question. We were never very good at acting like we’re just friends. We were ALWAYS intimate. I secretly longed for that side to come back. Even if it was just once. And it did. I couldn’t believe it when it happened. But it did. I didn’t make the first move at all. Or even the second, lol. I told myself “if HE makes the first move…then he still wants me to”. In my head, that made sense. After that first night, I was sure that that would be the only time. But it wasn’t. It happened again at a friend’s house. You kissed me and asked if you could keep going. I very causally said “yes”. When deep down I wanted to scream “I was PRAYING you would”. That entire week I spent with you was absolute bliss. After the intimacy, you’d say “let’s lay down”. Then we’d cuddle together. Then once it was time to leave, we’d kiss goodbye. One night while I was half sleep, you pulled me closer and kissed me on my forehead. And I thought that was one of the sweetest things you had ever done. I’ll never know if you knew if I was awake for that. But…I was. And it meant the world to me.
Immediately after that week, the trip from hell ensued. I won’t go into detail. You know what happened. But the trip itself isn’t what was bad. In fact, nothing bad happened on the trip. The awful part started once I got home and received all these calls/messages from people saying that you were telling people you didn’t like me. And that you didn’t want me to go to the trip. And that you and your friend secretly talk about me and laugh in my face without me even knowing. I thought “no…something about this is false. We’ve been so perfect lately”. But I asked you…and you said it.
You so boldly said the words that broke my heart like nothing else had in this world. And to add insult to injury…you said it in front of other people. As I tried to lift my head up to look you in the eyes, I saw NOTHING but coldness. Nothing like the way you used to look at me. And it was then that I knew that I had been played. Used. Strung along for your entertainment. It’s the cruelest thing that could happen to a woman. And I wouldn’t wish it upon anybody. I had to get away from you because the tears came. I didn’t want you to know how badly you hurt me. My eating is off. Since Sunday i’ve had a slice of meatloaf (which came back up) and a tuna sandwich today. It’s Tuesday. Spirit is crushed. I’m not myself anymore. I don’t want to hangout with anyone. I’m just broken.
“I hate you. I hate you so much. You’ve ruined me”. I think that if I tell myself this…then i’d believe it. But…I don’t hate you. Do I want a magically reunion? No. Do I even necessarily want to see you? No. But deep down I want you to reach out to me. I want to HEAR you say something to me to let me know that you realize how awful you treated me. I gotta believe that you have some good in you. The same good you’d show me when it we’d be alone. I don’t want to believe that I was infactuated by a complete asshole. Something in me wants to think that you did what you did…and said what you said…for SHOW. Because other people were there. Who knows. Maybe you are just a 2-sided monster. And if that’s the case, it’s good that I’ll never see you again.
I needed this. I needed to say everything on my heart. I think this will put my one step closer to becoming myself. Or at least, figuring out who I am. I think I kind of hope that you’ll see this? But…then again…I don’t. You don’t deserve to know how much care I had for you.
..and as for those 4 letters I wrote to you…I’m burning them.