I wonder all of the time, did I do the right thing? Is it better to stay with the person who you’ve been with for years and has had so many ups and downs with. We share a child; this child is my heart and I could not bear not having him every day of his life; joint custody would be unbearable. I married this man and am accepting (or trying my damnedest) to stick by my decision. But I still can’t stop myself from wondering: did I make a mistake in suddenly ending a friendship that has emotionally nurtured me when I needed it most?
I love my husband and try to remember this when I feel like he doesn’t know me or understand what I’m thinking or feeling. I gave up my best friend and the person who sustained me when my husband wouldn’t and couldn’t. I think that I was falling in love with him. The kind of love that I have always wanted; he knew me and always accepted me, despite all of the horrendous decisions that I made in my life.
It’s so hard to not see you or not speak to you. I feel ridiculous to still feel so strongly about it because it’s been officially two years since I last saw you and am married now. But I miss you so much. I miss you and it hurts in my soul. We didn’t have the conversations that I wish we did; I’m not sure if you feel this way too but I was so scared to change what we had. Did you want something more? Do you hate me now? Am I just a distant memory that doesn’t signify anymore? Have you moved on? Or do you miss me too? It’s so hard to not know.
Have you moved on and never had those deeper feelings for me? Or did I make a mistake and yet another wrong decision?
There’s no resolution and there are no answers.