• Why?

    by  • July 25, 2011 • * Safe for Work *, Betrayal • 0 Comments

    To the girl that shattered my world…

    I know that a few months ago I told you that I was alright with you, that I had nothing against you. But sadly, I was lying to myself. I was trying to be the better person and I convinced myself that I could be okay with our little situation. But I know now that that is one hundred percent false. I’m not saying that I hate you. I don’t, and I don’t plan on making your life a living hell. But I do plan on telling you that I am NOT okay with what happened, and I am NOT okay with pretending I am. Does that make sense?

    Did you know that Alex was only the second guy I ever kissed? Yep. And did you know that the first boy I ever kissed, shattered my heart. Wanna know how? He cheated on me. Seems to be a pattern, doesn’t it. It’s pathetic if you ask me.
    I feel like you should know how everything that went down, affected me. How broken hearted I was. How betrayed and empty I felt. Scratch that. How betrayed and empty I FEEL. Because none of this is past tense, and it never will be. I’m going to have to live with this for the rest of my life. With Alex, or with any other guy I may date in the future. I’m going to wear this scar forever. I don’t think you realize how many times I’ve cried myself to sleep. Or how many times I’ve looked back on the past year and noticed all of the signs I missed. Oblivious little me… believing in every fake smile I got from you. Can you tell me how you did that? How you looked in my eyes and smiled at me? When you knew that you were shattering my world and I had no idea? What does a person have to tell themself to make them feel like that’s okay? Did you feel happy when he kissed you? Or did you feel guilty? What was it like to kiss him and then see me show up to school in his sweatshirt, holding his hand, kissing him, hugging him. Did you resent me for it? Did you pity me? Were you jealous. Did he tell you that you were prettier than me? That he’d rather be with you? Or did you try to break him down? Did you guilt him into your arms? Tell him a little sob story, and make him feel sorry for you? Was that how you did it? Please, tell me, how did you convince the boy who’d had his heart crushed by a girl who betrayed him, to do the same thing to a girl that he loved? Did he tell you about his past? Did you even know about Elise, about his stepbrothers? Or did you never have that kind of connection? Did he promise he’d leave me for you? Did he talk to you after the fights we’d have? Did you believe he’d leave me? Was that even your goal? Or did you just want a little fling? Was it worth this whole mess? Would you take it back? Do you still think about him once in a while, and wish you had him and not me? Did you think I’d leave him when I found out about you two? Was that your plan? To make me hate him, so you could have him all to yourself? I could go on forever…

    I trusted Alex every time he was with you. I believed that you were just friends. I thought you were harmless. But I underestimated you. That’s for sure. People would come up to me and tell me, did you know Alex was with another girl yesterday? And I would tell them yes, I know. I told him he could. Ha. Now I look like an IDIOT. My friends would look at me and wonder how I could trust him. I’d say, I love him that’s how. Well obviously my logic was wrong. Don’t think I blame this all on you. I blame Alex too. He and I have worked this out. We’ve had this discussion already. He was there to hold me while I bawled. He let me punch him until my fists were sore. He wiped the tears from my eyes and he held my face and told me he loved me. He listened to me while I screamed at him and said words so foul, I’ll probably go to hell for saying them. He’s proven himself worthy of my trust again. So, I’ve forgiven him. But I haven’t been able to forgive you yet. I think it’s because you knew EXACTLY what you were doing. You knew you were disrespecting me, and my relationship. You knew you were in the wrong. So what made you think you were better than I was? How did you justify your actions? Did I mean nothing to you? Was I just a silly little obstacle in your way? What made you worthy of Alex, and me not? Who told you that you could break the rules like that, just to get what you wanted? Have you always been that selfish? Or was it just this once? Please just tell me WHY. WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO ME? That’s all I want to know. Why.

    I don’t hate you. And I don’t think you are a terrible person. We all make mistakes. I’ve made mistakes too. I have friends who have been in the same position as you were, and who have done the same things, and I still love them. It doesn’t make you horrible. It doesn’t make you worthy of hate. I would never want to harm you, or hurt you in any way. I would not want you to ever feel the way I felt. I do not wish bad things to happen to you. I only wish to know why. That’s all. I need closure. And this is my psychotic way of doing that, I guess. You are beautiful. And I want to ask you to forgive me for any hurt that I caused you. Because I’m sure that I am not the only person who was hurt by this situation. I’m so sorry for all of this. I’m sorry if the fact that Alex and I are together hurts you. I’m sorry if you still care about him. But please understand that I love Alexander more than anyone on this earth. There is not a person out there that I could ever love like I love Alex. He is the first man that I have ever fallen in love with, and I hope that Alex and I can have a future together. He is my everything, and I will do whatever it takes to make him happy. Even if that means he and I breaking up. So please don’t think that I’m selfish. If Alex had looked me in the eyes and told me he loved you, I would have stepped back and said go right ahead. But as it stands right now, he loves me, and I hope you will continue to respect that like you have these past couple months. Please forgive me. Because I really want to forgive you.

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