• What if, next time, I don’t choose to return to the surface?

    by  • July 25, 2011 • * Safe for Work *, Thoughts • 0 Comments

    I jumped off a bridge today.

    It was the scariest thing. It was freedom wrapped in fear. It was losing all ability to control myself. It was everyone else losing ability to control me. As I fell, gravity was the only one in control of anything. Nobody could touch me.

    It was realizing my actual weight, feeling myself simply plunge through the air like a rock. I’ve never sunk so far under water, for both lack of depth and speed. It was sheer panic taking hold as my nose and mouth filled with water, and I yet continued going down.

    It was relief, as my arms moved to bring me to the surface. It was choking on water as I climbed onto the cement block, tearing my flesh to get to safety. It was a hand held out to me, and accepting help.

    It was a scream piercing the world as I fell.
    I was drowning. But I made it.
    It was freedom. Nobody could touch me.
    I chose to jump. I chose to fall.
    And I chose to swim back up.

    That was the freedom.

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