• To the boy I once had a crush on, the guy I onced loved, and the man I still love

    by  • July 25, 2011 • * Safe for Work *, Love - Pure and Simple • 0 Comments

    Dear Mick,

    I don’t know what to do, I love you; there is no doubt about that. You are all I think about. All I want. I can honestly say I cannot get through an entire day without thinking of you at least once. When we talked the other day you said everything I’d wanted to hear since that dreadful day in March. That you missed me as much as I missed you.

    I will never forget the first time I saw you, my immediate infatuation. My heart pounding, stomach fluttering, catching a glimpse of you in the hallway, and then quickly looking away hoping you didn’t notice me staring. It became more than a crush, it be came total infatuation.

    Your locker was right next to mine, all 4 years of high school. Freshman year we had awkward Hi’s at the locker, sophomore year, again the same thing. Junior year we became friends, and eventually best friends. We hung out everyday. I treasured every second. We did the typical friend stuff, and I embraced every second it blossomed into more.

    The summer before our senior year you took me to the park. We walked around, did what we normally did. Then you suddenly stopped me. You looked deep into my eyes, the way I always wanted you to look at me, and then you kissed me.

    It was fantastic! I couldn’t believe my luck. You kissed me! You held me close and it was everything I ever imagined, except the part where I bit your tongue. We stopped and we looked at each other. I stared into your amazingly blue eyes, the same eyes I tried to catch a glimpse of for 2 years, the same eyes that took my breath away when we became friends. They were soft, and loving. Everything I had dreamed of happening came true. I got the one I wanted! The one I wanted for four years! You were finally mine.

    The next 9 months flew by. We did everything together. My parents hated you. Your friends thought I was crazy. But I was so in love with you. I was head over heels; catch me I’m falling, head twirling, on top of the world in love with you. And you said you felt the same thing.

    March 2009, you shattered my world. It was strange, I knew it might have been coming, but I was in such denial. I couldn’t believe I was going to lose the only thing I wanted. I couldn’t believe I was going to lose the guy I finally got, the one I wanted. I was so heart broken, beyond heart broken, so heart broken my heart hurt. I spiraled into deep depression. I dreamed about you, thought about you, I was totally incapable of functioning. It was the messiest break up of the school. The aftermath was complete warfare.

    Fast-forward 2.5 years later. I am now a junior in college, with high aspirations for myself. You are not in college anymore, and working in our hometown. But to me that doesn’t matter, I have still thought about you every day. Every. Single. Torturous. Day. For the past 2.5 years. I just can’t get over you.

    Yes, I’ve had other boyfriends, and currently am in a fairly serious relationship now. But I still can’t get over you. I still think about you, every.single.day. It makes me question if I want to move forward in the relationship I’m in now. But, I just don’t feel its right to him, to anybody if I can’t get my mind off of you.

    This summer, we are talking again. We’ve hung out once. It was just like old times; our friendship picked right back up. I was suddenly so happy again, we laughed, we reminisced, we talked for so long. I was so happy. My heart was happy again. I couldn’t believe this same guy, the one with which I’d had such a messy break up, and I mean M.E.S.S.Y., was sitting next to me as though nothing had happened. But, it didn’t matter; I still love you. Undeniably still love you, but I don’t know what to do.

    You are a risk right?

    I love you, I love you, I love you! Are you willing to take the plunge? I don’t know if I am. From parents to friends on both sides we will be bombarded with disgust, from desire to have us fail. Can we handle that? Can I? Can I take the risk in my life?

    All I know is I love you, still. The level of comfort I have with you is nothing I have ever experienced before. When I’m with you everything just feels right.

    Where are we? What is this? What do you want to do? I’m so torn. Torn between the life I could have, the easy life that’s almost guaranteed, with a man I love dearly, and the life that is left up to the unknown the life that probably won’t be easy. But there is so much passion, so much love, so much desire to be with you, the head over heels, head spinning, totally and completely in love life that’s left up to the unknown.

    What do we do? What do I do? Can we make this work? Are you worth the risk? Is our love worth the risk?


    Leave a Reply