• Speechless

    by  • July 25, 2011 • * Safe for Work *, Grief, Those Gone Before Us • 0 Comments

    All I can say is: Why? Why did you do that to yourself? Don’t you know what’s ahead of you, and whom you’re leaving behind? Don’t you know how many people care about you? I know that this sounds cliché, but I wish I could have done something, anything to prevent that from happening to you. I feel like I’ve done a horrible job at being your friend. I didn’t know what was going on with you, you seemed like you were fine. But isn’t that how it always goes? All of that darkness is internal. But you were my gossip brother, and I don’t know…I feel like I should’ve known more about this. You didn’t leave any word behind…did you? I know I have too many wishes, I hope too much…

    You had so much potential to do something with your life! I wish I could scream that at you and shake you into realizing that, and the fact that your family and friends love you and don’t want you missing from their lives. But I know that it’s too late. And for now all I can do is grieve. Why, why, why…Did you feel lonely? Or hopeless? Why didn’t you reach out to someone, just let it out and rant? Did you feel like it was pointless to do so? I wish you knew that you weren’t alone, that you have people that care about you. I’m sorry that I wasn’t there when you might have needed me, or even if you didn’t need me, I would have been there anyway. I’d force my way in as long as it would’ve helped you. Why… I feel like I’ve let you down as a friend. What hurts is that I didn’t know anything that was going on with you. Because I haven’t been on Skype, I haven’t really been talking to anyone. But that’s no excuse. I can’t have excuses. I just wish I could understand why…But I have a feeling that I never will. All I can do right now is think of the good memories, even though it makes me sad that we’ll never get to hang out again. We haven’t even gone drinking with everyone yet. We were supposed to hang out in California. There are so many things…I still wanted to get you an awesome souvenir from the Cappuchin crypt. I might still do that…I just want to go home already, screw these next few days. I can’t grieve by myself…

    No one should end their own lives, I don’t even want to think about how your family is feeling right now. They want you back. All your friends want you back. I want you back. You were the person I could go to for advice, or just talking about random stuff. It was interesting, weird, and funny. I remember when we had a group chat with Amanda and Kelsey and you sang Britney Spear’s toxic song or something, and your girl voice was hilarious. I couldn’t stop laughing. I remember when we played that board game at Anthony’s place and we kept getting stumped on all those really old-school questions, or when we played the Cranium game and you had to hum a song, but since you didn’t know what the song was you just hummed the title, as if that was going to help at all. I can’t believe I don’t have that video any more.I do miss talking with you, and I still wonder why you asked me for advice on telling whether a girl is with someone or not. I hope you were able to tell her you liked her. To be honest, I was surprised that you said you liked someone, since I thought you said there was some sort of chemical imbalance that prevented that. I guess not?

    I can’t even thank you for the souvenir you got me from Japan. Why did you have to leave us so soon? You were still young and healthy, had a loving family and friends that care about you. When I heard about how you passed away, I was so shocked. I was physically shaking, and my mind went blank. I couldn’t even speak. I couldn’t even write about it in my journal, it’s just too horrible to mention. I didn’t even feel like going to class. I just wanted to cry. I’m so sorry.

    Leave a Reply