The things I would love to say to your face right now.
It’s amazing. I remember the first day you walked into my third grade classroom. You were a brand new student and you looked scared as hell. You were skipping a grade so of course we were all older than you. You took our science test on that day, without knowing any of the information, and got a 98%. That was a higher grade than mine. Little did I know you would make my life a living hell all the way up until we graduated.
Through the rest of elementary school, you picked on me, but I was told it was because you liked me. Isn’t that what boys did to girls they liked? Well, even though you made me cry everyday from making fun of me, I still had the biggest crush on you.
I remember our 6th grade graduation like it was yesterday. It was a small school, so only 5 of us graduated. That was one of the best/worst days of my life. Funny enough, you were the only person I still talked to after that. Everyone else moved on in their lives.
Then you came back in middle school. We were in 8th grade now. I had finally made it to the “popular” level in my head, and you came back. Friendless and just as annoying.
Middle school slowly turned into high school and I lost my “popular” level and I guess you gained it. We didn’t start talking again until the summer after 11th grade when you apologized for ruining my life in elementary school.
Turns out you were in my first period class of the day in senior year.
And this is where the hurt begins.
I started liking you again on Christmas Eve. I was singing up on the alter at church and I looked down at you. You were mocking me which made me crack up in the middle of my song. Afterwards you came up and hugged me. It felt like elementary school all over again.
I liked you a lot. I mean a lot. And when you hooked up with me that first night, I don’t think I’ve ever felt so in…like? Not love, I didn’t believe in it. When I think back on it now, I was so stupid and naive. I came home that night and told myself I was going to marry you.
For weeks after that it was constant hooking up, but one day I put it to a stop. We couldn’t do this, you wanted a fuck buddy and I wanted a relationship.
If you didn’t want to be with me, why didn’t you say so? Instead you lied and said you “suck at relationships”.
You finally broke my heart so bad when you asked someone else to prom. You promised me a dance, but I never got one. Even though I waited all night.
And what hurt even more was finding out that you actually liked that other girl while hooking up with me.
My best friend told me it was never worth it. You were just a useless asshole who just wanted to “get some”.
So I went to prom alone. It’s funny, I remember looking at all the pictures of prom, and I saw something missing in all my pictures. A corsage. I didn’t get any flowers from anyone at all.
And just when I thought my heart couldn’t break anymore, you got completely wasted after prom and tried to kiss my best friend.
I couldn’t even believe you. You almost turned me against my best friend, and she didn’t even do anything.
I went home angry and sad. I hated you. And even though you still texted me and talked to me, you may think I was joking when I said I hate you, but I meant it.
It hurt me even more to hang out with you. But I still did because I still liked you. You talked of getting girls’ numbers and other girls you’ve “met”. I called my best friend every night crying.
Hearing songs that remind me of you made me ache even more.
My life has been a whole line of rejections and heart aches. For once, I really thought I had something going with you. I was wrong of course. You always told me I was wrong.
And now we’re graduated from high school and leaving for college in a month. Is there really nothing left. Why can’t you just make the effort and try to be with me? I need closure or something. I need anything.
Why can’t this just work.
I wish this letter didn’t sound overdramatic. My life is not an overdramatic one. I want you to know that this letter is the truth. The God honest truth.
And the cruel irony of it is, you will never read this. And if I don’t get the courage now, you’ll never know anything about how I’m feeling.
You won’t know that I had this on and off crush on you since I was 9, or that hooking up with me killed me inside.
You knew what to say and when to say it. You are just another asshole. You will never be THAT guy, the sweet guy who can committ to a girl. You are truly just another asshole, and honestly I’m tired of assholes. I just want someone different.
When are you going to wake up and realize that you can’t be this way forever.
And I want hit my head against a wall for falling into your little trap. Your trap to get girls.
You did everything right. Kissed my neck, kissed me tenderly, brushed my hair aside, and touched in all the right places.
If you don’t ever want to be with me, then fine, but at least grow up. Stop manipulating people you stupid asshole. Save them the hurt.
I don’t want anyone to feel the way I feel right now. This hurt is a lot deeper than anything I’ve felt before.
Just change your ways. Make up your mind. Open your eyes and see passed your ego. Maybe you’ll see me suffering through all this.
Like I said, it kills me to be with you, just hanging out. I want more and you don’t.
I don’t understand how two people could sit next to each other and they could just be together if they wanted to. But when you look at two people, there is just so much stuff between them that doesn’t meet the eye. They could be an inch apart in reality, but deep down, they are miles away from each other.
I’m hurt and disappointed, and I hope one day very soon, I’ll find the courage to tell you all this.
That girl from the gym