• I hate loving you when I should hate you

    by  • July 25, 2011 • * Safe for Work *, Breaking Up • 0 Comments

    Dear S

    Words can’t express how I still have these lingering feelings for you. How there are days that I should hate you more than still care about you…even possibly love you. To this day, it still baffles me how much you’ve changed. How many different reasons you gave me each time we talked while we were on our break. Shall I list them? might as well right?

    a) The day before I left to New York you said I deserved someone better. You admitted that you were such a bitch to me in the end (I’m glad you admitted that.), that you still loved me and you wanted to see me when I got back. You asked me if you couldn’t take it anymore that if I would talk to you. You know I would, even though I said I don’t know. I don’t even know why I let you drive me home. I didn’t need a pity drive from someone like you. seriously.

    b) While in New York you said that when I was ready to marry you and move out you wanted to be there with me. I now realized you just wanted materialistic things. When I tried to talk to you on facebook chat you just said you had to go. It’s obvious you blocked me. I know you did.

    c) And when I finally got back, you didn’t even dare to look me into the eyes anymore. Even after I mentioned you posting up a picture of yourself in a bunny outfit from vas’ party. Sure I overreacted saying that’s what you wanted to do, go party, dress up and make guys drool. I regret saying that, I know it hurt your feelings. I did overreact. And then came the moment when you said I didn’t love you enough, I didn’t show it. The more I think about it, there were times where I could have worked on a few things, but you always failed to mention them. ALWAYS. But I did show you love. You know I did.

    I was a good boyfriend to you, I loved you…A lot. Even if there were times where I couldn’t stand your immaturity, I loved you. Did you know I could’ve cheated on you with a few other girls that I know? I didn’t because I loved you that much. And I’m proud of that. I know that I’m not just a guy…I’m THE GUY. I know the feeling of being cheated on because it happened to me. I didn’t want that for you because you didn’t deserve it. That somewhat changed after I wrote you that letter admitting my faults. You said you forgave me, but you wouldn’t go back with me. due to what I said in the car. REALLY? I should probably say the same thing since you were always angry and literally called me a retard in the car due to me not talking ever when you drove. Has it ever occurred to you that I didn’t talk mainly because I didn’t want to distract you from driving/causing and accident. Especially at the speed you go to?

    I know you’ve changed, I know of the dates you’ve been on. I know of the rebound you went on 3 days after you tore my heart out and left it for the wolves. I know that you went out on a date with that whore of a guy that would always text you “I wanna fuck you” when we were still going out… funny thing, you told me you would never lower yourself to go out with him. Guess that changed right? I know that you don’t mind giving blowjobs now…ironic that when we were going out you didnt want to do it, and it would take so much effort for you to just do one. I know that you miss me. You ask for that one guy that will be there for you, well guess what? he’s me, always has been and always will. You called me a dog behind my back, a dog is the type of guy you go out with and he doesn’t bother to call you back after he fucks you. You know I’m not that. You complain how men are stupid. I’m not suprised you think that.

    I look forward to the day when you break down and ask me to take you back because you were so naive, that I really was the one for you. And lets face it, I may have been. I’m not sure what my answer will be. In all honesty I want to be with you, but my other self wont let me. My other self hates the fact you’ve been doing these things because its not you. I know the real you and I have a feeling she died a while back.

    As much as I want to be with you, it wont be the same. Who knows maybe if we got back together I’d be the one that would end things. I miss our friends but I know you have had your ways with them, making them think that I was all the cause for this. Making them think that this was all my fault. Did you tell them that you asked for a break first just because you were frustrated that you couldn’t move out? that you wanted me to move out with you with a shitty income? no you didn’t. Things like that makes you an idiot. I hope you realize that.

    Maybe one day when you realize that you were wrong, you’ll come back to my life. I don’t mean to be bitter but I guess I would have to give you the cold shoulder. It’ll kill me, because I still love you. I’m sure you don’t love me though. Our love died out with those large paintings we did for Painting II. They’ll be painted over…but at least they’ll die out together like we should have. I meant it when I said I love you, I know you did too. I just want to know when you stopped loving me. I still have the last 3 messages you sent out to me. I use them to remind myself who you were before. Now, I just see someone who just wants attention in the wrong places. Acting like I was nothing to you. Keep saying that I wasn’t right for you. Keep saying that, because we both know your lying to yourself. I’ll live my life now without you, and bury our memories deep into my heart. Maybe I’m just bitter, but let’s face it. It’s never been me not deserving a girl like you. It’s always been you not deserving a man like me.


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