• I didn’t want it to happent this way.

    by  • July 25, 2011 • * Safe for Work *, Lost Love • 0 Comments

    We broke up last night.
    After a year and two months, we broke up.
    We broke up because of the pain we kept putting eachother through. The lies and the manipulation. The tears and the lost trust.
    I can’t believe it’s over.
    The sad thing is, it isn’t hitting me right now. It comes and it goes. I cry really hard for about ten min. and then I’m okay for a while.
    I know it’s for the best that we took some time off to focus on ourselves.
    To really find ourselves.
    It was my idea.
    I ended it.
    You agreed it was a good idea, with the fact that I lied to you during the weekend, now you see, now you know the pain you put my through every time I found out you lied to me.
    Now you know how it feels to have no one to turn to.
    You used to always tell me to go out and find friends, well, now that you lost all of yours, I’m not telling you to do that. I want to talk to you, but it’s too hard. I need to not speak to you for a while. I can’t.
    I want to be there for you, I want you to be okay, but I’m so selfish I can’t see you okay cause I’m not with you.
    Maybe because this is still so fresh my jealousy towards everything is ten times worse than it usually is.
    I’m not sure.
    Last night we cried together, had one last final kiss, and during that kiss I was screaming in my head for you not to leave, but I knew you had to, I knew I had to be strong enough to do this so that you wouldn’t be so miserable anymore.
    You have to understand that you can’t be with me if you can’t trust yourself, you can’t be with me if you’re going to lie, and you can’t be with me if you keep breaking the trust.
    But then again, I’ve done that too.
    We’re two people in love and can’t stop hurting eachother.
    It’s a toxic relationship
    So why is it so hard now that it’s over?
    If this is for the best, why am I in so much pain?
    I keep thinking of the good, and how badly I want to be held by you again.
    But I need to stop, I need to keep reminding myself why I ended it in the first place.
    I told you I didn’t want this to be forever, that maybe we can try again in a few months, but what if I can’t hold out that long? What if I break that promise I made you?
    I want to so bad.
    I can’t help it.
    I know sooner or later the pain with subside and eventually disapear, but I don’t want to not want you again.
    I want to be with you
    Really, I do.
    I’m scared of losing that.

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