I am an anorexic survivor. I use to eat nothing at times, except grapes and those 100 calorie wafers every three days. I was hospitalized after a year of being malnourished. I weighed only 89 pounds. I had no self esteem.
When I recovered from my anorexic tendencies, I gained a lot of weight. I had been sick for years and they put me on medicine. I gained over 60 pounds because of medicine that’s supposed to make me gain almost a hundred.
When you walked into my life, you were the same weight as myself. You said you’d die of a heart attack. Being that I am not obese but slightly to mildly overweight, I thought it was best for me to exercise with you. You would walk fast and we’d go on hour long walks and runs. Still nothing was good enough for you. You wanted me to join a gym that I couldn’t afford to go to. Still I worked out.
Eventually though it became not important. Other things took over precedence. My grandparents are dying and my boyfriend’s father passed away. it was devastating. My friend became suicidal and I was the only one who could comfort her. When a month went by, i figured maybe I could start working at it again.
Sometimes I don’t want to be around you. The things you say are hurtful. You tell me I look homeless in my clothes. When I weighed myself and told you I had lost five pounds, you told me that it wasn’t possible and who are you kidding? When I eat at night, you tell me I’m adding the pounds. You point out all my flaws. You say that I need to go on a hike because I’ll die of a heart attack. You say that I need to go to a gym. When I told you my goal was to lose fifteen pounds, you tell me that’s not good enough. You need to lose more like thirty you say. When we bought outfits together, that I felt accomplished and beautiful in, you tell me that if i lost fifteen pounds, then i’d look gorgeous.
You also told me that I need to grow my hair out because my hair isn’t pretty short. You tell me appearance is everything and that sometimes you’re afraid to go out with me because you think someone’s going to give me change because they think i’m poor.
I don’t think you realize how hurtful these comments are. Or how much I can’t eat around you. I don’t want to eat anymore around you. You tell me to stand up so you can see how i look. You tell me I need better bras, although I am double dee’s and can’t fit into a size c like you’d like.
I just wish I didn’t want to starve myself. I always want to starve myself when you say that. I was perfectly happy that I had lost like ten pounds this year and you’re not motivating me. You’re killing me.
You tell me you can “only blame medicine for so long”.”
I understand you’re on a health kick but it’s not good to force me to be on one too. If I ride my bike, you say that’s too easy. If I go on a walk to walmart with you, you say I’m not going fast enough.
Don’t you see I don’t want to be around you?
Don’t you see I’m feeling like i need to starve myself again?
Don’t you realize how hurtful words are to me?
I don’t want to die from anorexia.
But if I miracously lost fifty pounds, would you be concerned, or happy?