I’m not writing to you and I’m not talking to you because I’m still not sure of what I’m supposed to do.
I love you. I feel like that’s all I need to say and that’s all that matters. That’s all that someone needs to be happy, to be loved. And I love you. So what’s the problem? Why am I debating letting you go for your own good? Am I not your own good?
I don’t know what to do. I know I’m not the right person for you, but if you’re happy and I’m happy, what does it matter? (It matters that you too know I’m not the right person for you, and you keep wishing I would change, which I never will, but the desire of yours leaves you feeling incomplete and me feeling hurt.)
I don’t know what to do so I’m doing nothing. I think it will be the ultimate sacrifice of love if I let you go, the only selfless thing I’ve ever done for you. But I know we can be so happy together. If you stop wanting me to be someone I’m not, we an be so complete. But you do want me to be someone else. You don’t love me completely with my baggage and my implications and everything that I am. You only love half of me, a fraction of me, and wish the other half would disappear, or be replaced by another me, one that would be your perfect wife. And I can’t be that, or change myself, or replace myself.
I don’t want to be loved with one eye open, and I don’t want to love hesitantly, afraid that I will be struck down any moment now. Afraid that one minute I’m happy without a worry in the world, in another worried without a trace of joy. I don’t deserve to feel shameful and small.
And I don’t think I need to sacrifice for you. You need to make your own mind up. Honestly, you have your mind made up, but you can’t bring yourself to say it, and I think that in itself is.. nice on your part. So I suppose, it’s better for you and for me to not do this. If you agree with that, and you would really like me to let this go, please tell me. But I don’t want to rush you, and I don’t want us to be going on our basic see-saw, making up and breaking up, so for now a hiatus is a good idea. For however long it takes us to get some sort of an answer.
I only request that you judge the situation for what it is and not what you hope for it to be.