This past year and a half has really taken a toll on both my heart and self esteem. Until now I don’t think I’ve allowed myself to grasp the pain I’ve endured.
It’s been over a year and a half since he dumped me and almost a year since the abortion.
Why did I let him keep sleeping with me a year (plus) after he broke my heart? How did I not realize that that would not make him want to come back to me? I thought I was being a good friend by sticking around. After all, his dad was dying. He said he needed me. He did not need me. He wanted to keep me on the back burner while he started a relationship with someone else. I was the girl he pictured himself ‘settling down’ with.. except not right now.
I held on to those words. Every time he reached out to me… begged me to be his friend, his best friend. I feel like I tried to be there for him as much as I could have been, and now I know I never got the same in return. I walked on eggshells to make him happy- to make him love life again since his dad’s illness.
Last September, during the abortion, he never related to what I was feeling. I cried the whole ride to the clinic. He never blinked an eye. He didn’t even call me until 3 am during the process I started at 9:00 pm. In retrospect, I should have realized then how much disregard he had for my feelings and well-being.
I wanted that baby. How could I have been so naive to let his words get to me? “You can’t keep it, we’re too young.”, “You can’t support a child.”, “I will literally move away and you won’t ever hear from me.”, “Do it, ruin my life.” I argued that I could do it myself. I know I could have, though I yearned for his support. But then he threatened ending his own life. I couldn’t bring something in this world that was that hated by their creator.
It makes me sick every day to know that I gave a part of me up. A part of us up. But he was not who I thought he was. In our relationship he promised he would take care of us if we got in this situation. He even would say he wanted us to make a baby. Then it happened. An accident. And he was not good to his word.
A year later, he is regretful of his decision. How he pushed me toward something I did not want. He thinks we would have been great parents. He should have married me the day I told him. Why is he telling me this now? Doesn’t he know that it hurts me more? I need to ignore him. I need to keep my new life on track and not fall to his lies again.
I’m slowly getting to the realization of getting past all of the hurt. I put on my smile and try to be carefree, but I dwell on the loss of my child every day due to my own stupidity. Dependency. I could have changed my decision. I would be happy with my 4 month old boy or girl, like so many of my friends have been. 21 is not too young.