• You could have never loved me

    by  • July 24, 2011 • * Safe for Work *, Letting Go • 0 Comments

    Sometimes when I am laying awake at night I think about us. And then it occurs to me that I might be delusional–absolutely cray cray. I remember the first time we talked years ago when you made me laugh and you looked me in the eye and took my breath away. And how I used to make up excuses to talk to you and how you randomly called my dorm just to ask me a question you could have asked anyone. And how you helped me with that project until 3 am after my partner fell asleep. And how you used to show up at my apartment and take me on spontaneous adventures. Then you told me you liked my best friend and I secretly cried and got super drunk at that party and hooked up with someone I didn’t care about just to make you jealous. You confronted me about it and told me it bothered you. You asked me about it multiple times and teased me about it and I wished you would just ask me never to kiss anyone else but you. And how on my 21st birthday you brought me a WHITE rose with the special ribbon from a florist an hour away. I spent hours looking up the meaning of a white rose to see if you loved me back. And then I think about how all of the sudden you stopped calling me, texting me, showing up at my house, smiling at me, and finally you stopped looking at me. Then you told me you were with her. You broke my heart. And made me feel stupid. Because I thought you cared about me. And I let myself care about you. I keep telling myself that it wouldn’t be as bad if she were this amazing, intelligent, beautiful, outgoing girl. But she is so plain. One of the most vanilla people I have ever met. She is so quiet and serious. I couldn’t be like her if I tried. And that is why I feel crazy. Because I let you in and still wish for you every night. And since you love her now, I know you could have never loved me.

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