• Running No More

    by  • July 24, 2011 • * Safe for Work *, Confession • 0 Comments

    Dear Max,

    Recently, I’ve been running. Trying to escape the reality of my feelings. I’ve been running not because I want to but because it was the last thing I hadn’t tried. I ran because I had no other option.

    But I never was a fast runner. And I have horrible endurance.

    So, the other day, reality overtook me. I wouldn’t call it unexpected. I saw it coming; I knew it all along. What I didn’t realize was just how hard it would be. I ran because I was in denial, because I thought it would be easier to avoid the truth than to face it. I ran because I love you. There. I said it. I love you. I should have told you a while ago, but vulnerability scares me. Because I’d said it before but never meant it, and it had only ended in pain. This time, I wanted to say it the right way so it had significance. Because I wanted you to believe me. I wanted you to feel the words, not just hear them. I only just realized that simply stating it–with all of my heart–means far more.

    These past few months have been tough, though. You’re two hundred miles away, and we’re both so busy all of the time. Each and every moment- waking or asleep- I was wishing I were by your side. Each and every second, I imagined holding your hand in mine. I’d close my eyes, and I’d see you running down the city block, arms outstretched. I spent every day waiting for your hug again. But it hurt. I missed you so much it made me sick, and I couldn’t go two days without crying.

    So I decided to run. I thought that if I denied my love-if I suppressed my feelings for you- then they’d eventually fade and finally disappear completely. I was wrong. I tried getting closer to other guys, but whenever I was about to open up, I thought of you- of how I had felt- and I’d recoil because I knew it would never compare. I stopped talking to you since I thought it would make it easier, but it just made me long to hear your voice-and your laugh- even more. Each and every night I’d sit up in bed, asking God if it’d ever feel right again.

    But finally reality caught up with me, and I really had to ask myself why I was running away from something that made me feel so right. I had no logical explanation. I realized that I have the freewill to decide my destiny, and I can’t avoid the reality of the situation anymore. Nothing has ever felt more real- and therefore more right- than my time with you. We disagree about anything politics-related, and we make fun of each other. But we also share common interest in a way I had never imagined was possible, and I can’t help but feel that you truly are my other half. Somehow, you understand me.

    I don’t want to let you go, and I don’t know why I tried. What I want, more than anything else in the world, is to be with you. I’m tired of running, and quite frankly there’s no point because I know I want you, now and forever. Because I’m in love with you. I can’t deny it anymore. The happiness you bring me is unparalleled, and I know that I will never meet such a remarkable individual again in my life. I love you, with all my heart, and I want you to know that.
    Love Always, V

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