This empty thing inside me, it won’t go away
I fight back the tears everyday
I wish I knew how to fill the void
Every emotion this feeling has destroyed
I’m never happy only less sad
Is this normal or am I mad?
I met you about 2 years ago. I was 16 and you were 21. We spent almost every waking moment with each other for about a month, remember? What a glorious month, but then along came that blonde ‘Christ-filled’ girl who I couldn’t compare to. You could’ve told me that you loved her, I would’ve understood, but instead you dropped me. You ignored me. I spent months thinking I had done something wrong. I replayed every day in my head looking for something I may have said or done to lead you back to her, but I never found anything. It drove me insane. I was mad.
A few months later you and blondie had an argument, you knew you could talk to me so I listened, of course. She’d confessed to you that she slept with her high school coach, you didn’t know why. You were broken, because you loved this girl and she’d slept with her coach for heaven sake, but even after that you took her back. I loved you still, but I listened. I told you she sucked and that she was stupid for doing this to you because you were a great guy. Your happiness mattered more to me than my own.
It took a while, but I stopped thinking about you entirely. I started looking for somebody else, I thought I had left you behind. I met a boy named Mitch, he went to Texas Tech and we listened to the same music. He was a nice boy and we had really nice conversations. Mitch and I never talked about our lives like our friends and families, so I never knew he was your best friend until after I had dug myself in too deep. I loved you even when your best friend hovered over me.
Mitch liked me for about a day, y’know? He took what he wanted and when he called me the next day he said to me that talking to me was starting to feel too much like a relationship. He had no interest in being with me anymore. I didn’t feel anything. I wasn’t sad. I was relieved really because I didn’t feel what I had with you with Mitch.
About a month later Mitch realized that he liked me a lot. He told you about me. Your best friend told you he liked me. I didn’t like Mitch anymore though so when you told me Mitch liked me I just said he was a nice guy. I didn’t want anything to do with him anymore though, he was an ass.
Now here we are, 2 years later. I’m 18 and you’re 23. We’ve found each other again. This summer has been great with you. I haven’t told you I love you yet, and I probably won’t. Every time you see me you feel like you’re betraying your best friend. I want to tell you what happened with Mitch and I, but I can’t. I don’t want you to think that I’m trying to turn you against your best friend so you’ll be with me. I wish you would be with me now. I’ve stuck with you, Jay. I’ve made mistakes, you’ve made mistakes. I just wished you’d overlook mine like I’ve overlooked yours. I wish I had the guts to send this.
I’ll love you always,
R. C. A.