Without a doubt, you’re my best friend. The, “you have nobody else, but at least you have them” kind of friend. From the very first day I met you on that school bus in grade 7, we were together constantly. We saw each other everyday. We had surprise birthday parties for each other. We were each other’s number one. I talked on the phone with you for hours, because we never ran out of things to say to each other. We were fascinated by everything about each other.
I say “were” because that’s how it used to be. God, it hurts. Last year I moved 8 hours away because of some guy. It doesn’t matter any more. Love makes you blind, right? I don’t regret it. I still miss you and think about you everyday. But there are some things I’d love to address. I’ll never tell you in person, because frankly, you just can’t take it. You’d break down, badly. And I know if you went crazy and committed suicide or hurt yourself because of me, I would lose any sense of being strong and I’d fall too.
I can’t STAND how you are convinced, even subconciously, how much better than me you are. If I go to talk to you about something, and I just need you to listen, to support me, it breaks my heart to hear you say how you’d never get yourself into that kind of situation. As if you would never make the same kind of mistakes I’ve made. I’m only human, filled with emotions. Sorry for being run by them. And here I am, apologizing to you for being myself. It’s wrong.
I can’t do this anymore. Whenever we talk now, it’s like you just make small talk, because you don’t want to get hurt by the talk filled with meaning. I can’t even say how much I miss you, because of much it “hurts” you. I can’t talk about memories I’ve had with you, because it hurts you that I’m so far away, in a different city. And we can’t make more memories like that. I don’t know what’s safe to say to you anymore.
I’ve never written a letter like this to you before. I used to write a letter everyday for you to take home on the bus and read. And I’m sorry, I’m so goddamn sorry. I love you so much. I don’t want to know the kind of person I’d be if I didn’t know you. In a sense, you saved me. But this, whatever this is, is tearing my soul apart.
I can never tell you how I feel. I’ve tried that in the past, and with disastrous results. The one time I tried to talk things out with you, it convinced you that you’re inadequate, that you’re not good enough for me or something. I was just telling you about a friend I had met after I moved, but you felt replaced. That all I had to do was make new friends and that I somehow was forgetting about you. You’re so fucking crazy sometimes. You’ve known me for years, and you can’t even believe me when I tell you how much brighter the world shines when you’re around.
This letter is now so mixed up. It seems I can’t even fully address my feelings in a letter, because how much I care about you just overwhelms me and I feel like shit for saying negative things when all you deserve is the best the world has to offer.
There has to be a word for what I am. Best friend doesn’t give enough insight into what I’d do for you, what I have done for you without you knowing…
It doesn’t tell of how many nights I’ve stayed awake, one tear away from crying myself to sleep, exhausting myself so that my mind doesn’t have to think anymore. It doesn’t tell of all the times you’ve said something bad about me, and of course it hits so much harder coming from you than it would anybody else. And you don’t even realize it, because of how far apart we’ve grown. Just cause I live 8 hours away doesn’t mean our friendship should weaken. You just have to try too, like I’m trying. Like I have been trying for almost 8 years now.
Well, in the end…I love you Michelle.
I will always be here for you. Please don’t forget that like you’ve forgotten so many other things.