• goodbye again

    by  • July 24, 2011 • * Safe for Work *, Grief • 0 Comments

    Dear J,

    I got rid of that rug that I bought when we went to Ann and Hope when we both first moved into our new apts and you wanted to look for curtains. You were always obsessed wtih shopping but I looked past it. I only have a litte bit of the olive oil soap you bought me. I thought you bought it out of affection, but now I wonder if you did because you wanted me to give you a loan. I wear the bracelet and earring you bought me for my birthday once in a while in the summer. I receive compliments. I don’t wonder about why you did that, because I know that was when you felt for me. I still have the place-mats and the funky socks and the cards.

    And the sun sensor which i still haven’t put up. I will.

    And that’s it. I barely remember what you look like anymore. I don’t miss you so much, and I realize that I miss what you were, what we were, so little of the time, when you weren’t messed up. The reality of things was quite different.
    I’ve learned alot about myself while reflecting on our friendship. I would be friends with you again, but things would be different and I wouldn’t be so attached to you.

    I am starting to realize how pathetic I was when it came to you. I let you get away with alot of selfishness and never called you on stuff like not paying me back and your problems and loads of stuff because you didn’t care, you would just dump people who called you on anything. Still, I could have done better. I still blame myself because losing you took importance over your interests for too long. I should have done and said what I knew was right regardless of the possiblity of losing you. Which happened in the end anyway.

    I still don’t know if I will send you a letter or card. I can’t help but wonder and worry what will happen to you in the future. I would still be there for you. I respect your struggle, and I realize you are too weak and sick to apologize, own up or self reflect. It’s okay. I know who you are deep inside, a survivor, and afraid and hurt and hurting first because of fear. WE came so close to healing you from that, that’s what pisses me off about the situation.

    Well, here’s to me, always trying to make meaning and sense out of what makes no sense.

    It’s all good I guess. My sending you usomething comes from wondering what my responsibility is to you at this point. This situation has really shaken my faith. And you have messed up my abiltiy to trust. Mental illness sucks.


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