• All the things I wish you knew

    by  • July 24, 2011 • * Safe for Work *, Yearning for You • 0 Comments

    I’ve known you for a year, but I remember the first time I met you like it was yesterday. I remember how I felt when I we first talked, when I first saw your smile, heard you laugh and watched you leave. I want you to know that those feelings have only grown over time.

    When I ran into you again there was a reason that I sent you that message to meet up; to see how you were, to see the most beautiful smile in the world again, to see the woman that keeps me up at night. I listened to you tell me how happy you were with your boyfriend and how you wished he could have been there that night to meet me. I listened as my heart broke. I left last year because I had to, but I never forgot about you. I came back to tell you that I will never meet someone better than you, that the girls I meet I inevitably compare to you and they never measure up. But as I listened I thought that I lost the best thing in my life before I ever really had it, and I moved forward with the girl I was with, though she knew I never really came back from that trip to see you. That’s why she said no, because she knew you existed. She had plenty of other reasons for her decision but really came down to the simple fact that she knew she was my second choice at best. Now that we’re both single I have all the reason in the world to tell you how I feel; but because I can’t imagine why, when you’re so amazing, you’d chose to be with me I remain silent.

    I live for the time I spend with you. I told you I’m trying to clean myself up and dry out, but if I have to drink at your bar just to see you I will and I’ll never think twice. I know that deep down it’s best I don’t drink at all, but I fear that if I don’t I’ll never see you and that would leave me in a far worse place. Last night those Palmer’s tasted so good because they came from you, but the water at the end of the night tasted better because at that time it was just you and I. But then you had to leave and I drove down the road watching your headlights in my mirror, hoping that you wouldn’t turn. When you did my heart sank again, and it was only because the thought of you kept me up the night before that I was able to fall asleep at all.

    Before you got into your car you asked me how long I’d be in town. I told you for a while but I wanted to say as long as you want me to. In fact there’s so much that I want to say but I can’t get myself to. I think you’re amazing and you know that I only pretend to be full of confidence, in truth I don’t believe I’m good enough for you, or that you could ever love me. That’s what keeps me up at night that I don’t think I deserve what would make me the happiest. I try to show you with my actions and my words that I care about you a lot, I think that I’ve done enough to show you how I feel, but because I’ve never told you I still think that maybe you don’t know. That fact isn’t enough unfortunately to overcome my fear of losing you forever and so I dare not speak about it with you. I let you walk away each time with another piece of my heart in your grasp, not knowing if I’ll ever get it back.

    You told me that I am great with words, that my compliments are the nicest you’ve ever heard from anyone and that they make you smile. What I wish you knew is that there’s so much more I wish I could tell you, so much more I wish I said to you. I call your smile the one “that’s launched a thousand ships, and broken a thousand hearts.” But really I know, and want so much for you to know to, that it’s the one that’s broken one heart, my heart, a thousand times. I think that recently we’ve grown close, you’ve told me things that you don’t remember telling your best friend and that she knows about the things we talk about proves that I’m on your mind too. I think that we’d be perfect for each other, and it would be perfect if I were courageous enough to tell you that. I know life’s not perfect, but to me you are.

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