It’s me. I am not sure of much of anything right now, but I just wanted to tell you how well I have been doing, despite the circumstances. It has been one week since we last spoke, and today is the first day that I cried because I have been so busy. I thought boxing up and hiding things would help, but there is still a lot that should be put away or hidden. I found your shirt today, your silly tye-dye shirt that you gave me for our first Christmas, and I want you to know, I am wearing it. I still think it’s ridiculous though.
I do not know how you are doing, or what you are doing, but part of me doesn’t want to know. I know that the best way for me to be there for you right now is to not be there at all. I know the best thing you can do for me, is to not be here for me at all.
I am doing my best to be strong, because I know that is what you would want me to do, and considering I think I have done well. Brooke told me that you messaged her, telling her to look out for me, that you were worried I might try to hurt myself. I want you to know that I have not, and I would not. I wish she was there for me, but I know it’s hard for her now, so I am doing my best to be there for her.
I know in my heart this was the right thing. I know that in order for anything to change between us, that what we had become needed to “die.” I am hoping with this death, there will be a beautiful rebirth of potential for us. If there ever is that potential, or not, it needed to happen.
In this past week alone, I have received many compliments, and for the first time in a long time, I have reconnected with myself. It makes me happy.
I do not really talk to anyone about us, except for my mother. She gives me a lot of good advice. She is proud of me. She tells me, love is like one piece of the puzzle. No matter how big the other pieces are, you need the rest of the pieces and you need the knowledge of how to place the pieces together.
I keep thinking about us, thinking about you, and especially that night. I remember everything you said. You are right, for the first time, in a long time, I listened to you. Even though you said you feel callous, I have a feeling, that in all reality, this probably consumes you more than it has been consuming me.
I want you to know, I am proud of you. I know this was a difficult choice, and I truly believe neither of us wanted it to be this way. I love you more than I ever have, and I want to thank you. It may be hard now, but I know that if this wasn’t done, we’d just keep hurting each other. It may be too late, but I hope by doing this we are able to save something whatever that may be, your future, my future, a friendship, or a possible reuniting.
Perhaps by loving you from a far, you’ll be able to feel my love, find the feeling of love that you had lost, because I still love you, and I want you to know that this is the greatest act of love I could give you, to let you go to find what you need. Maybe by loving you in such a way, you’ll find your way back to me.
A part of me will forever be yours lover,