• In the beginning

    by  • July 23, 2011 • Yearning • 0 Comments

    To this very day I still remember the feeling I had the very first time that I looked into your eyes. I’d never felt anything like it before, because of this feeling I knew that someday that you would be mine. Ever since that moment I was so stuck on you and consumed by you, but not in a lustful or selfish way. I put my number into your phone one day in class just in case you ever wanted to talk to me, you’d have it. (& I’d so hoped that you would.)

    And there it went for quite sometime, you not being able to tell that I was head-over-heels for you. I was too shy to tell you and you never thought you stood a chance. We talked every day though, texted all the time. Then it sort of just stopped. I knew there were other girls in your life and I knew you had just gotten out of a serious relationship. I’d never been in one of those. Shit, I was still a virgin. I didn’t know what to do! I watched you pursue this girl, the whole time wanting you more than anyone should ever be allowed to want another person. I wanted to be the one that you leaned on; I wanted more than anything to be there for you. Then your crazy ex girlfriend continued making your life a living hell and to be honest I didn’t think I could deal with it. Despite my mixed feelings toward you and my nervousness to deal with your baggage, do you know what I did the day that I found out that instead of picking up on my signals, instead you were fucking this girl that could not even hold a candle to my integrity? I left my last class and went to my car and cried. It didn’t stop in the parking lot either, I sobbed the whole way home.

    All for this man who didn’t even know how bad he was hurting. You didn’t even know.

    The thing is, it never ended there.

    School ended, you graduated, and we stopped talking.

    It hurt so bad. It hurt so bad and we weren’t even together! Never had we even kissed or anything! I longed for you so much but you were never there. All summer, not another man sparked my interest. All summer, never did I think about any man but you. Then one day, you contacted me. It was so random, just after I’d lost all hope, there you were. You weren’t getting away from me this time. I came home from summer camp and that day forward you slowly started being the center of focus in my life. I was falling so in love with you so fast that it scared me. & finally after a month you became my boyfriend. & I was happy.

    Everything was so wonderful in the beginning, getting to know one another, kissing you made me feel like I was on a really strong upper. We fell in love. And it was so real and magically. You became my best friend and partner. I gave you my virginity and everything I could. [I never told you this, but remember when I said that I had ‘messed around’ with that french boy at camp? Yeah, I lied because I was scared. It was very frustrating for me that you had been with as many girls as you were and I didn’t think it was fair that you were receiving EVERY bit of my innocence, and I didn’t want you to know]. You were my first everything (except kiss, of course).

    Looking back at how it all started I wonder how it could have ever ended the way that it did. Falling into love with you and falling out of love with you. Two years of so much love, so much growing up, and so much tragedy. We went through so much together and in the end we just broke one another’s hearts. I forgive you for how you acted toward me, because I love and care for you so much. & I hope you forgive me, although I did nothing to the extent of what you did. Its just a little ironic now, that is, that you’re still nine yards for me and I’m moving on. I know you’re trying to; I just get the feeling that its not working out for you.

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