• Do you feel anything?

    by  • July 23, 2011 • * Safe for Work *, Moving On • 0 Comments

    It’s so hard to be strong. I don’t know the right way to get over somebody. I end up getting attention from plenty of different boys until I find one that I’m actually interested in. That’s when most of my bitter feelings are pushed to the far back of my mind. But it’s not enough. I dislike the internet and that I don’t have that much self-control. You may have made your twitter private, but I can still read hers. Usually when an ex gets a new girlfriend, you don’t know how they really act together or say to each other. I guess it’s different when you are dating someone online. I can read everything she says to you. I can see all the inappropriate things she has to say, and I wonder how she is more ‘right’ for you. And how you can tell her you love her after a week with her, and it took you a year and a half with me, and I said it first. I know ours was a lie, so are you lying to her too? Why get in a relationship with a girl much younger than you, that you will never see. It’s not a relationship starting out on the internet, it is a relationship that will only ever be via the internet. So, why do it? Are you filling that void where I used to be. Are you afraid that she might be the only one that understands a lot about you? Or are you using this as yet another mask, so no one can get close to you? What are you getting out of a relationship from her? Your family is very concerned about you. All you do is sit on the internet all day, or if you do leave, you tweet through your phone. Have you tried being completely disconnected? I don’t think you have, because it would be too hard. What are you going to do when we move to go to school, and you don’t have either of your two friends to hang out with? All you are going to do, is be on the internet, and miss out on all the social experiences that a university can bring, not just the partying. How do you think you are going to get a job, if you can’t socialize? You won’t beat people out for jobs by just experience or knowledge, but you will get beat out by people who know how to communicate well with others. Nobody in our last job particularly liked you, they recognized you knew what you were doing, but that was it. They all thought it was weird that I was dating you, and asked me if you talked much outside of work. We are going to have a lot more job competition when we go to school in the fall, and I bet it will be a lot harder for you to get one. And by locking yourself in your room, you aren’t gaining the social experience you need. And even if you really do care about this online girl, remember she is a teenager. She will grow up and her opinions might change, she might make some changes to her life, and leave you alone. Completely alone, then what? I think part of the reason I can’t move on, is because I am too concerned about what you are doing with your life now. I do wish that I couldn’t see anything about your relationship with her or anything that you post or anything about you at all, but I still want to know you are okay. It’s not fair. It’s so not fair that you can just do this to me. I was your first relationship, your first kiss, and you were my first serious relationship, you were there for me when my dad lost the house, I was there for you when Pal died, you allowed me to be a part of such a wonderful family, I gave you a reason to get out of the house. We’ve done a lot for each other, we’ve gone through a lot. And still you don’t care. You don’t care about me. There’s a difference between being interested in someone and caring about someone. I wouldn’t get back together with you, and I know you wouldn’t get back together with me. That is very clear. But how you see me as a waste of time is so hurtful. What if I got seriously injured or sick and was hospitalized, would you even want to know? Why, why couldn’t you have just broken up with me right away. You got me this attached and tore me apart. Did you expect me to just bounce back like nothing? I am going to hurt, and you know me, I act on feelings not rational thoughts, so you should know that I will do something that I’ll regret and you won’t like. If you were less of a jerk, then maybe that wouldn’t have happened, did you ever think of that? But no, I am just trash to you now. I wish I could do something dramatic that would get your attention and make you feel bad. But I wouldn’t ever hurt myself or commit suicide, but I want you to feel guilty or feel bad or just feel something towards me that isn’t regret or hate. What did I do to you in our relationship that makes you feel this way towards me? You said that you didn’t want to see me or talk to me, so I’m respecting that. I haven’t spoken to you since, I didn’t even come and say hi when I picked up your mom from your house. I hate this. It would be so easy if I was apathetic like you, but I’ll be a better person for dealing with this pain. I’ll grow, and you can sit and never experience anything.

    “I want to try and live my life, carrying all of my memories with me. And even if those memories are painful, even if they do nothing but hurt me, I want to keep them. Even those memories I wish I could sometimes forget. As long as I carry them with me, as long as I can keep holding on, then someday, I will be strong enough that they don’t hurt me anymore. And I’ll be glad I have them. That’s what I believe, with all my heart. That’s why all my memories are precious to me. I don’t think it would be ok to forget a single one.”

    I won’t forget you, I won’t forget what we had. I will be there for you at school if you need me. I hope you don’t choose to forget about me.

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