• Dear Elias,

    by  • July 23, 2011 • To You • 1 Comment

    I feel pretty brave posting your name but I know that you’ll more than likely never read this so that’s okay. Or maybe you will see this. Will you know it’s me? Will you think I’m crazy or just realize what a mistake you made? Maybe you’ll come upon this ten years from now and think back to the times we had. Maybe you’ll miss me. Maybe we’ll end up together. That’s the shitty part about the future, we have no fucking clue what’s going to happen. It’s funny how I spent years, yes YEARS, waiting for you, loving you, caring about you, believing you, going back to you, and all I got out of it was heartbreak, pain, and I felt completely used and violated. I gave you a part of me I had never given to anyone. And it may not have been my virginity, and I wonder that if I did would you have stayed? Would that have made you love me? But I’m a smart girl and I know that sex won’t make any boy love me. That’s the part I’m bitter sweet about. Truth is, you’re the only guy I could picture myself being with in that way. I would give you that part of me even if you didn’t stay. I trust you with it for some reason. Because as much as you hurt me, you never played me like the other boys. You actually saw the hurt you caused and you stopped yourself before you could do any more damage. Well fuck how am I supposed to stop loving you if you go and so something like that? I’m not sure either. I wish I could figure out a way to so that we could be normal again. The worst part about all of this is you won’t even be my friend. That my love pisses me the fuck off. I can be friends with you without you hurting me. I may love you, but you are NOT my whole world. You should know I have a better head on my shoulders. I have dreams, aspirations, priorities, responsibilities, and people who matter a whole lot more to me. You are not my number one thought and I know life will go on with or without you. But this doesn’t mean I don’t care. Ha, no. You won’t get off that easy. I will always care. You were the second boy to change my life. You may not have been my first love but you were quite life changing. I want you to know that you are wonderful. You are not perfect, and I will never say you are. But the imperfections you have make you who you are. One day, you’re going to be a strong man, amazing husband, phenomenal father, and a wonderful man of God. You have such an amazing future ahead of you, I can already see it. You have a light that shines within you that most 19 year old boys do not. To say I’m proud of who you are becoming does not scratch the surface. You are going to be so, so happy one day. And I really do wish all the best for you. Your wife will be truly blessed to have love from such an amazing person as yourself and I hope she realizes and values that every single moment you are together. Your kids will have one of the best fathers they could ever ask for and I hope they cherish you every day of their lives. You will make mistakes and fall along the way but never let your relationship with God falter, He will keep you together. I hope you think of me sometimes and wonder what we could have been. I hope you realize what a mistake you made and I hope you feel sorry about it one day. I don’t say this out of spite but I honestly just want you to know how hurt I was. How completely humiliated and embarrassed I was the last time we were together. I’m sorry I couldn’t give you everything you needed, if I could change things I would. I have no regrets about us but only things I would love to fix. But maybe we were never meant to be in the first place. I’ll always wonder. I’ll always care about you. No doubt in my mind that I’ll tell my kids about you. You impacted my life in such a way that you could never be replaced nor forgotten. I’m blessed to know you. I’m blessed to have been part of your life. I may only be sixteen right now but I know how to love. You taught me how to love better. Never stop being you. Ever.

    One Response to Dear Elias,

    1. Mia R.
      July 23, 2011 at 10:53 pm

      Intense. You have a very good perspective. Although, I say that being only 16 myself, but, hey, I noticed you’re smarter than some of our peers. Good for you for knowing sex doesn’t make them stay, doesn’t make the relationship perfect. And for being proud of him. All of it, really. You’re a cool person & I pray you’ll find a “keeper” someday.

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