This needs to be said. All of it.
For a long time, I may have argued that you were not worth this letter.
but you absolutley are.
You are worth this time, because you have shaped me in ways you may not be able to fathom.
I’m not sure what all of this has been to you,
but to me it has been a part of my everything.
Our times together have awakened me to parts of myself I would have felt safer leaving untapped.
From kissing you in the back of your father’s car
to smoking all your pot
to putting on pretty dresses only to walk 3 miles.
Curling up in your bed fantasizing about great lives
to giggles and a feeling of invincibility
to shattered hope.
You were there for these experiences
you were half of them
You were there when I showed up at your show alone when I should have been working on scene study
you were there when I hung up the phone declining an invitation because of the high holy days
you were there as I sobbed on my carpeted floor feeling stupid and young and wondering how something so amazing could disappear so quickly.
you were there as I realized that things fell apart because I fell into them too quickly.
You were there as I forgot about you and allowed a short-lived fantasy to dissipate.
and you were there when it wouldn’t leave.
you were there when I could no longer breathe and needed your toxic fuel.
you were there to give it to me and throw me into a world where I could drown my sorrows.
you were there as I recounted my mistakes and forgot all about you.
In those 3 months, you taught me so much.
I was innocent, so full of life and brimming with love I was eager to give.
you helped me be as carefree, loving, and naive as I needed to be.
but you also aided me in releasing it all.
I became a different person after you.
and I was my best self when I was with you for those first few beautiful moments.
I changed a lot because I blindly trusted you, and I was punished.
I changed because I had to learn that I expected too much and rushed into things.
You taught me that I could not wait.
I let you go for a while.
A little over a year, actually.
but you were a theme
a text message
a whisper in my ear.
There were others-only a few- and then you were there again.
random and alert.
you were there on that cold december school night, when once again, I could not wait.
you were there to talk to.
you were there when we felt our own heart beats
read edgar allan poe naked
laughed ridiculously as our altered minds tried to piece things together.
you were there when we drenched ourselves in my bathtub
you were there to tell me about your hopes and dreams and fears.
you were there when we got comfortables. stopped trying. and adjusted to our newer selves.
you were there every time I called things off.
but you always lurked in the shadows, ready to ask again.
you are all that I know about sex
all that I know about innocence
all that I know about relationships, confusion, love, and being lost.
you have been my focal point.
I have given you energy and time
and I can’t help but notice that all these times you’ve been here, you have become permanent.
You haven’t left. I don’t know if you will.
The thing is, I know i need to let go of you because I fear that my perception is being skewed.
I need to know other things
and I have only scratched the surface, because I have only barely let you.
The thing that scares me the most is that I think it may all be in my head.
Maybe you were a projection
and all I was to you was a girl in a dress.
a girl with ever-changing hair color
a girl that would let you cuddle on any drug of your choice.
You have been so much more to me then you can know>
In a way I have grown, with you, living in a part of me.
Shaping me into this.
See, I have grown you but you have not grown with me.
The funny thing is, is that I’m not sure what I want from you.
I want you to be somebody you cannot be.
I don’t want to be with you
I only kind of want to sleep with you
I don’t want to spend every moment with you.
I want to speak with you openly
I want to be your friend;
I want you to know who I am
but I also need you to take responsibility for a portion of who that is.
I love you for impacting me.
but I hate you for not knowing your own power.
for having meat my most vulnerable, but keeping me so distant.
I’m leaving, but I”m not so sure you are.
I don’t know if we will continue drifting into each others lives
leaving fingerprints and candid tastes in each others mouths,
but I’m done trying to delete you.
You are here.
for whatever reason that is, and I will probably always be here as well.
You may fade into a memory, but you are a part of me.
My deepest, most sincere hope, is that I have left you with even a fraction of you have left me.
Thank you for your contribution, for your lessons, and for your twisted form of whatever it is you have been able to give me.
You are on my mind and in my heart.
I love you in a way I do not recognize or understand.
It only makes sense that my feelings for you are senseless,
and drowning in the mystery you carry with you.
Be who you need to be and remember your power.
your truest friend,