• time to be adults

    by  • July 22, 2011 • * Safe for Work *, Frustration • 0 Comments

    I am trying to see this situation objectively. I am in a very surreal situation. Yeah I get it reading my emails even for me I look like a gold digging horny delusional person. However I am an ordinary woman who lifted herself from poverty that she snuck herself in. I went to the place where the money was. I was bombarded by a really weird and unbalanced environment where everything was subject to a joke. I get that i am funny to provoke. But this situation some other girl might love to wake up with her actions on the lips of others…she might blossom. That is not me. I have this crazy goal to be in this huge city, make some friends who will accept me and love me for who I am…not try to provoke my worst qualities…who get that people have an off day…and for the most part most people don’t want every little thing they do known about. I am afraid the people here are going to hurt me like people played with me up north. I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. I am controlling myself so I don’t self destruct again. But if you want to know me strike up a conversation…think about it…if you were in my position (and I am willing to make amends for whatever but I have to be approached at an adult level and it has to be on adult terms) and you didn’t know what the heck was going on…that your assumptions or thoughts or comments were thrown in your face for two years then for another five months from every part in the country from friends in England and Australia…with comments on the radio in the newspaper and every other means while people deny it is happening….how calm cool and collected do you think you would be? I left my last job to find a place where I was allowed to be myself…not the loud angry caddy beaten down person I became..but the objective fun kind woman I miss being. It’s pretty bad when an old man looks at you and says you have dimples. Yeah…I do. I used to smile more than not. I don’t know what this is. So give me a break. I ducked up. I said a lot of crappy to protect the girl who always smiles so she’d be there when I got finished. So yeah I have dimples on my face…I would like to use them. So if you want to talk to me approach me. If you want to know about up north ask me. If you want to ask me why I did the things I did again ask me. I don’t have anything to hide. What did I have to hide up north? What I was lonely? What I was crumbling apart because I wanted something so bad that I would give anything (I am talking law school here) to achieve it. I got wrapped up in the bullshit. I accused someone of something and I can’t take it back…it doesn’t matter what he said about me or did to me. He was a Dick. He made that plain. I don’t like that I became this reduced picky version of myself inflicting an eye for an eye….because they thought it was funny to peep into my private emails. I don’t know what I look like….I don’t know what this is about. Teaching me lessons doesn’t work. Don’t you get that? Telling me to my face how bad it is and what I have to do is the only way you are gonna get the real me. That’s why I left because I used to be the woman who faced things down, who owned her actions, who said I ducked up this, I did this well and who would not hesitate to get on the phone and say okay this is the situation, this is my part in it….what do we have to do to fix it? So how bad is it? Please collapse the mirrors and be straight. What do I have to do to fix it? Is there anything else I can do to fix it?

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