• Things I Always Meant To Say

    by  • July 22, 2011 • * Safe for Work *, Letting Go • 0 Comments

    I hate to admit it, I can’t say it out loud, but I miss you. I miss you so much. Every night, I dream of falling to your feet screaming it as you stand there and laugh. That’s exactly how you would react, too. You’ve always thought I was being overly-emotional when I showed any kind of emotion. You always made fun of me for it, always made me feel stupid. Maybe that’s why I look and act like a robot now. Like that perfect, emotionless girl that I knew you always wanted me to be. There are so many things I want to say to you so badly, but I think if I saw you I would throw up.

    After seven months of you controlling every single one of my relationships, movements, even meals, I just don’t know how to function without you. I feel so pathetic all the time. No one sees it. No one notices. I learned how to hide my feelings so well from being your “best friend.” Do you know how much I loved you? Do you know how much I gave up for you? You don’t. You don’t even care. You say you want someone, but I was there for you, holding your hand and comforting you every second of every day, and I still wasn’t enough. I’ll never be enough for anyone, and you’ve made that perfectly clear.

    I don’t know how I could ever allow myself to fully love someone after everything you put me through. I feel suffocated just at the thought of you. I pray every night that I won’t ever see you again, that somehow I’ll keep up the strength it takes to stay away from you, from us, from the comfort I felt in being vulnerable with you.

    Calling the cops that day was the hardest thing I’d ever had to do, but you scare me now. I don’t know how you are. Maybe someday you’ll be sober again, and you’ll think of me, and you’ll come back, but it will be too late.

    I’m starting to accept being alone. I’m getting mecication and intense therapy for all the problems being around you gave me. I know I have support in this, but I feel alone.

    You will always be alone.
    But we will never be alone together again.

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