I’ve had a crush on you for the past nine years of my life. I know we grew up as friends who played in the mud and terrorized spiders and did all sorts of boyish things, but all the while, a deep and irresistible want for you has grown inside of me, and I just can’t ignore it anymore. I know I’m probably not your type, you might even find my neon hair offensive or intimidating. I just want you to know that I think you are the most divine man who has ever walked this earth. I just wish you knew my feelings.