Do you remember?
It was a crisp, cool evening. The air was thing and the warm orange glow of the sun flooded everything around us. I dressed in my school T ready to go win the game, many believed we had already lost.
It was fall so the trees were colorful, yet leaves covered the ground too. We hopped in the musty blue car and headed for a typical Friday night.
A quick Starbucks stop warmed our insides and lightened our hearts. We headed away from the warm fall light straight into the flooded fluorescent stadium. The two teams took to the field ready for battle.
As the fight continued our playfulness rose. For four straight quarters we cheered and prayed! Then just when we thought we would lose, we scored! We were tied and forced into three rounds of extra overtime.
Finally, after many held breaths, we won! Our team was victorious; we were elated and falling very quickly in love.
We left. The stars were as bright as the lights we had just left and the air was getting colder. We parked behind an ugly church made of cheap aluminum but in front of a beautifully serene pumpkin patch.
After a few awkward giggles we started kissing. Your hand found its was to my pants and slid inside. Your fingers were cold but I merely brushed it off with a joking laugh.
Things progressed and you were on top of me, nothing unwanted or out of the ordinary. My attention was lost in a different place when I felt something unfamiliarly warm brush against me.
I was taken away from my world and brought back. I cannot remember your face, you had no words. “No, no” I said. I did not want to fight.
As I felt more pressure my pleas became more intense and fervent. “NO, NO!” I screamed. My hand reached out to your covered chest and tears began streaming down my face.
I felt it pass. Done. Over. Passed. You enter me ever so slightly before retracting a bit and pushing deeper. I remember it wasn’t long before you realized my tears and asked why I was crying. My only reply was, “Well it has already been done.”
You retracted, I curled into a ball and nothing could stop my tears. I do not remember anything else until I pulled out of that parking lot.
The roads were empty as I drove you home and no pleasantries were exchanged upon your departure. I returned to the house I had left so joyful, filled with warmth and light; feeling nothing. Numb and dark, I crawled into my bed. Cold under the covers waiting for my warmth to warm me. I fell asleep that night listening to our house guests above engage in mutual relation and the sounds of my own quiet sobs.
There was nothing left to be joyful about.
4 1/2 years later. Forgiving you.