• notes to the past

    by  • July 22, 2011 • Closure • 0 Comments

    here’s to moving on! (:

    JWS: You were my first real boyfriend. I was so young. Fifteen and naive. When I look back on how much I cared about you, it was pretty pathetic. But you were there for me, throughout all the chaos in my life, at the time. You always had the ability to make me laugh, and you still do. That’s why I was attracted to you from the start. You were a momentary smile, which I needed. I ran to you when things were bad. And boy, were they bad. I got sent away to boarding school that year. When I came home to visit, I snuck you into my room. I did that many times though. We almost got caught by my mom once. It was close, but you hid like a ninja behind my laundry room door. I remember going to all your hockey games, to support you. When I heard you were dating another girl (who’s now my best friend) I was really angry. I wanted you to wait for me to get out. I’m glad you didn’t though. It gave me strength. I’ll never forget all the crazy, stupid things we did together. I like that we can look back on it all, and laugh about it now. I’m glad we’ve remained friends. Ps, I’m glad you were my first real boyfriend.

    JGS: When I got out of boarding school I was sixteen. I met you at the beginning of that summer. You lived in my neighborhood, in between my best friends’ house and mine. I was working really hard to make things better at home, and regain my parents trust but you messed that up completely. I fell in “love” with you that summer. Of course, my definition of love has changed, now. You were such a bad boy, and I was immediately attracted to you. You were “cool.” You had a good job, you drove a nice truck, and you liked to party. What sixteen year old girl wouldn’t like all of that? You were so good at manipulating me. You always knew exactly what I wanted to hear. I loved that you would take me places in your truck, and come over and hang out with me at my house. My family loved you for some odd reason, too. I loved that you made me feel good about myself in bad ways. I became so vulnerable with you. I started doing anything you wanted me to do just so I could please you. In my sixteen year old mind, that was all that mattered to me. I drank, you introduced awful drugs to me, and I snuck out of my house and into yours all the time. I’ll never forget when my mom caught me that one time and called you. I was afraid to go home. You told me you loved me and kissed me goodbye. I was in so much trouble… they grounded me for the rest of the summer. My parents had a talk with your parents, and you got in trouble too. I’m not sorry for that now, but I was then. After that, you became an asshole to me when I needed you. You were from the start, but I finally realized how much control you had over me then. You made me hate that I ever met you. You called me names and told me I was ugly, and that I never mattered. You acted as if that summer never happened. But it’s okay, because I look at you now and I laugh. You were such a pig. You still are. All that partying finally caught up with you, and karma served you. You’re fat, have nothing good going for you, and you have a pretty hefty criminal record. I’m glad that we kept in touch throughout the years from time to time though. It was always funny seeing you at a party because I knew you realized how stupid you were. I grew up, and you couldn’t rule over my life anymore. I enjoy looking better than you, teasing you, and making you beg me for another chance. But even after everything happened, I forgave you, and I just want you to know that I wish you the best. I hope you get your life straightened out now. You have potential to be someone. Ps, orange is not your color, so don’t end up in prison.

    TDS: I’ve known you for as long as I can remember. You were always my go to boy. We could’ve been something great, but distance and fear has always gotten in the way of that. I always loved being with you. You were shy, and I felt like you could be yourself around me though. Opposites attract. I always had too much fun with you, but that’s pretty much where it stopped. When your father passed away, I tried to be there for you, but you pushed me away. I’d probably push people away too though if my father passed away. I knew how hard it was for you, but then again I had no clue of what you were really going through. It was hard for me to watch you go through that, by yourself. I wished it wasn’t him. You’re one of the strongest people I know. Ps, even though I don’t see you much anymore, I miss being your little princess.

    ATB: You came into my life at exactly the right time. I met you through my best friend. You two were close. And then we became close. We finally started hanging out because of summer school, and then I started to party with your crew. Somewhere along that time, you became my best friend, and my boyfriend. We became inseparable. There are so many things I miss about you and me. Like carving pumpkins, late night food runs, snuggling in our bed, shopping, car rides listening to Tool and Chevelle, you visiting me in the box office at movie tavern, trips to outback, doing each other’s homework, spending holidays together, your family in general. I miss my promise ring. It was something I was the most proud of that you gave me. That’s when I knew I loved you. Every time I looked at it, it made me smile. I wasn’t living at home at the time, because my mom kicked me out and cut me off financially. It was certainly not a good time in my life. You became my support system when my family failed me. I am so thankful for that to which you don’t know the extent of. Six months into our relationship, life started to test the both of us. We both knew it was a bad idea, but I had no choice. I was forced to move in with you, because I had nowhere to go. I wanted more than anything to graduate high school. You wanted that for me too, so your family agreed to help me out. You, me, and your sister drove from Arlington to Trinity, and then you’d go to Bell every morning. I made you late so much, and you were always in the principal’s office because of me. You picked me up from school every day because I didn’t have a car. I graduated high school thanks to you. You took me to work or made sure I always had a way home, and that I was safe. But the pressures of living together became hard. We never got time away from each other and we started to fight like crazy for the last eight months of our relationship. It became so unbearable. We couldn’t even be in a room together. My family had fallen apart, my best friend moved away, school and college was stressful. I took it all out on you, and I’m sorry. I’m sorry that things turned out the way they did. I blame myself for it. I made a lot of mistakes that I had to eventually pay for. The day we broke up was one of the hardest days of my life. I had to re build everything… When I look back on the last two years, they weren’t easy. In fact, most of the time it was like walking through hell. I’ve grown up so much though, and I can honestly say I’m happy now. I knew I would be again, someday. And you’ve been dating a girl for basically as long as we’ve been broken up, and at first it was really hard for me to accept but I’ve come to terms with it finally and I’m happy for you. Ps, she looks like a horse though.

    TAA: I spent so much time, and effort trying to please you. It was exhausting, and pointless. I would stay up later than I wanted to, to skype with you for hours on school nights. I’d listen to you get mad, and yell at me for talking to other guys, even though you were the one who never wanted to make things official between us. You were so foolish to not make me yours… so many guys would of loved a chance to of been in your shoes, but my attention was always on you for the last nine months. I would deal with your stupid anger spells, yet I would bite my tongue more than I would have liked to, because I never wanted to fight with you. We’d stop talking for weeks after some pointless fight, only for me to forgive you as soon as you apologized. I would come over when you wanted me to, even if I didn’t want to be around you just to please you. I tried to fix what never had a chance of being fixed. Tried to mend what was broken beyond the point of repair. I attempted to put back the pieces by myself, because you would never help me. I was always the “bad guy” though. Why did I even try? Why did I bother to forgive you time after time? I thought I was always in the wrong… I blamed myself. I let you walk all over me every single time. I gave you what you wanted, and got nothing in return. What did I gain from that? Let down after let down. Constant confusion and hurt. And here I am now, without you. Everyone warned me about what a childish, self-centered, asshole you were but I didn’t listen. I’m stubborn. I’ve finally got you figured out this time. You never cared, and you never will. And I’ve finally learned. I’m not waiting on you to get your act together anymore. I think nine months is far too much waiting. I’m too beautiful of a girl to waste another minute waiting on your ass. And when I look back on everything, all you had going for you was your looks. You were hot… but you were also the most insecure, hypocritical, controlling, little momma’s boy I have ever met in my life. All you are is a tool, who cares about nothing other than your self-image. You live your life, worrying about what other people think of you. What a sad way to live. But I know you and I know you’re going to come crawling back like the little bitch you are, but too bad, I’m already gone this time. I hope you grow up, and I wish you the best of luck with things. Ps, the sex was awful.

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