• Madre…

    by  • July 22, 2011 • Disappointment • 0 Comments

    MOM-

    I know you basically think that I’m an alcoholic slut, and you expect me to feel bad about it. But honestly? I’m fucking happy. Look at you, you did everything perfectly, and you’re not happy. You never drank, never did drugs, you stayed a virgin until marriage, you got straight A’s in private school, graduated with honors from college and medical school, got a high paying and respected job, and yet you’re still one of the most unhappy people I know.

    You hate your job, you’re about to end your 25-year marriage which you rushed into right out of college, and your kids are nothing but a source of stress and disappointment for you. And you know what? That disappointment is YOUR feeling. Not mine. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been, now that I’ve stopped trying to live up to your standards. I’m proud of myself, and since I’ve moved halfway across the country from you and started living life the way I wanted to, I finally look in the mirror and feel like I’m good enough.

    You remember the eating disorder I had in high school? The one that caused you to treat me like a goddamn mental patient? The one I begged you not to tell anybody about, and yet you told the whole fucking extended family, our minister, all your friends at work, and probably anybody else who would sit still long enough? You called it sick and wrong, I called it the only thing in my life that I could control, considering that I lived 18 years completely under your thumb. I told you I stopped making myself throw up after you forced me to go see that doctor, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. I didn’t stop, I just got smarter about hiding it. I didn’t stop until after I moved away, when I realized that I actually did have some measure of control over my own life. It was only then that I started loving myself enough to stop taking out my frustration on my own body.

    Also, I started acknowledging and taking control of my own sexuality, which in my opinion is one of the most healthy things I’ve done for myself. I left for college a virgin, because you had led me to believe that losing my virginity before marriage was dirty and wrong somehow, but that changed pretty fast once I got to college. I realized that it’s natural to feel the things that you always told me to repress, and that it doesn’t make me a whore to be having sex without being committed.

    I know your opinion on the way I dress, the way I do my makeup, and the way I present myself, but honestly I don’t fucking care. Now that I’ve stopped trying to impress you, I’m finally at the place in my life where I feel beautiful and empowered. If that comes across to you as slutty or sinful in any way, trust me it’s not my intention, but at the same time I’m not changing for you now that I’ve finally taken control of my own life.

    I love you, don’t get me wrong I really do, but I have absolutely no desire to follow in your footsteps. You never took the time to enjoy your life or have new experiences because you were so focused on doing what you thought you were supposed to do, and now you’re paying the price for it. I hope one day you realize what I realized, that happiness comes when you decide to say “fuck you” to everyone else’s standards and live life the way YOU want to.

    Love,
    your oldest daughter and biggest disappointment

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