• Just keep Pretending…

    by  • July 22, 2011 • Confusion • 0 Comments

    What happens when you don’t know how you feel? Who is supposed to help you answer the questions only you’re supposed to know the answers to? I thought I knew, but I was wrong. All day my heart hurts, it feels like an indestructible hand was placed into my chest to squeeze it until I literally have to take the largest breath I can just to keep it beating under the pressure. That’s why I am always sighing I guess, it has just become normal breathing for me because I always feel the fingers tightly griping and holding on for dear life.

    I thought I knew what I felt. It was entirely obvious at one point. I know I love him, with everything inside of me I love him, we have been together for what seems like an eternity, and one that I don’t want to end. I know he loves me too, I just know. He may not be good with his words, he may not be good with the affection I feel like I need, so I question us, though that is incredibly unfair to him because it’s just not what he’s good at, he trusts me to know how he feels without having to say it. But then you came around and you told me you were in love with me, you told me everything I wish I could hear him say and more. You really make me feel like something else, something to be treasured. Why did you do that? We were best friends, and we still are, I love you too. I thought I didn’t, I completely ignored it, but then you told me, you ruined it. You made me face it and I fucking wish you hadn’t. But maybe that is just me being selfish. I told you I would always be there for you, I told you, you could tell me anything, no matter what, and you trusted me, so you did. How can I be upset at you for that?
    You deserve so much more then I could ever give you. I know you don’t think so and you fail to realize what an amazing person you are, so I just hope that one day you will get it. I think that’s why you fell in love with me, because I always try to make sure you know how ridiculously special you are, how you deserve the very best life possible, and I will never, ever stop, even when the day comes that you know it too. But we can’t be. At least not now, I don’t know what my future holds but I know what my present is and you understand it too. I know what the right thing to do is; it’s to pretend like you never said those words to me, to pretend we don’t feel the way we feel, to just keep pretending like we are so good at. But it’s honestly killing me. When I’m not with you, I think about you, and then I tell myself over and over again, you only love him as a friend, nothing more, and nothing less. So I ask you, what happens when pretending isn’t working anymore? I love two people, but I know in my head what I need to do, and that’s what I will do, so I guess I will just keep sighing and enjoying each breath I get to take.

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