I’m a choice, you make it or you don’t. I’m not an option for a future because you don’t have the time for me, or you just don’t know whether you want to be in a relationship or not, or because I’m just too far away.
I made a choice. I wanted you. So I chose to do what I needed to do to be with you. A week later, after you told me one more year would be no problem, you tell me you just don’t know what you want. Then after a short time of not talking you want things to go back to how they were before you met me. But you still think that maybe when I come home it could happen.
You don’t get to do that. You don’t get to put me on hold while you go back to being single. You don’t get to turn the clock around and go back to before me. You had me there isn’t any going back. You don’t get to keep me around as an option for your future when things might be less stressful.
A lot happens in a year, people change and things happen, but you weren’t even willing to try. The moment you got scared one more year seemed liked too much. It wasn’t real for you with me so far, felt like we were just two people that liked each other and that was it. Well, that was it then.
You were the one that fucked it over too. You were the one who complicated my simple summer fling. Because if you recall that was all I wanted. You were the one that talked about a future, that told me I was perfect, that all you wanted was to be with me. You put those thoughts into my head. You. I wasn’t the one who had dreams of us being married, and when I did I sure as hell didn’t bring them up. That was all you. Then you blamed me for things being complicated, for it not being a simple thing. You turned it into a relationship and the moment you realized how much you cared for me you ran away.
But I can’t do this. I can’t be the person who you might want in a year. I never asked for you, I didn’t want anything when you came around, but there you were sweet as all hell. You made me feel beautiful, and special and everything was perfect because you assured me two years would go by and I’d come home and we’d be together. You didn’t see a problem. Until a week after I realized I was falling hard, that I probably had hit the ground and was deeply in love with you and just wasn’t aware. Yeah. That’s when you decide you don’t want what we’re doing, the relationship you created, that you wanted to go back to being single, to the way things were before me.
Well I hope you’re happy. I really do. You’re not a bad guy in the least, but you have to figure it out, you have to get your shit together. I mean you did amazing things for me, loving you made me stronger, happier, healthier than I’ve ever been. But I am no ones option. You don’t get to put me in a box for later when you feel like it. I was willing to go through it for you. I was willing to lose myself in love for you. I was so fucking willing to have found you. And you weren’t willing to do a damn thing, but talk.
I love you, and like I said I’m yours until you don’t want me and a time after. But if I’m not your first choice, then I can’t be an option, because in the end you were mine. The only one I was willing to fight for.
Here’s to hoping this is the time after.