• i love you.

    by  • July 22, 2011 • * Safe for Work *, Lost Love • 0 Comments

    i love you. i’ve loved you for 5 years…that’s a quarter of my life. but we were too young, 17 is too young to be with the love of my life. it wasn’t a mistake to break up with you, it was necessary…we needed time to grow into adults on our own. i would have resented you forever if i never got a chance to do all the college kid stuff because i was tied down too young. but i still love you. i never cheated on you [even though you think i did]. you are perfect for me in every single way. we’ve been best friends since the bus ride to florida, remember that? we talked for almost 20 straight hours. i can remember all of our “firsts” so clearly. i miss you. it’s hard being 900 miles away from you…but i guess it’s easier now that you won’t talk to me. i wish i knew why you won’t talk to me. it’s killing me. you’re killing me. and you don’t even know it. i wish i knew how you felt. if you’re mad, sad, indifferent? i think about you constantly. every song, every quote, every situation i have some story about you and i [ask my friends…i bring you up all the time, i’m sure they’re getting sick of it]. they told me to get over you i had to get rid of everything you gave me [including that necklace you gave me that i’ve worn every day for 4 years], so i did. but now every time i notice that i’m not wearing the necklace, i think of you. i’m going to see our favorite band in concert in september…i dunno if i will even enjoy it without you. you know me better than anyone else can ever know me. you can read my expressions like a step-by-step installation manual. you’re the only one who can tell my mood in text-messages based simply on the punctuation. i remember when you used to run to walgreens in the middle of the night to bring me sour patch kids and mountain dew to cheer me up. i remember the way you used to look at me, like i was the only girl on the planet. you were an amazing boyfriend…i couldn’t have asked for more. i know i hurt you, and at the time you didn’t understand it. but really, how would you feel if we never broke up? i was your first girlfriend, you can’t tell me you would have never been curious about other girls…if maybe there was someone else out there for you. these last two years have been an adventure, i moved to a new state, made new friends, i’m majoring in something i really enjoy [remember when you and i spent hours mulling over different majors to see what was right for me? YOU helped me pick my future], and i’ve learned so much about life [don’t get me wrong i’m definitely still learning]. one thing i’ve learned is how much i love you. i compare every guy i’ve been with to you. i don’t know if any of them will ever compare to you, but if anyone ever does…i know for sure he will be “the one.” i don’t believe in soul-mates or that “there’s one person for everyone” bullshit…you know that, but i’m having a hard time believing i’ll find anyone to match up to you. i’ve got to give it time, i know that. i guess i’m just dwelling on all these “what ifs” that i’ll never know the answer to. what if i hadn’t broken up with you? what if i had moved back to missouri like you wanted? what if your brother didn’t hate me? then would you be with me? i would do anything for one more chance with you. but until then i’m going to do the best i can to get over you, but i will not delete you from my life. even if i have to live with the pain of losing you forever, i will always cherish the memories we had, the pictures we took, the way you made me feel. because i refuse to regret anything in life. everything we say/do/feel is a part of who we are, it makes us who we will be for the rest of our lives. you are a huge part of what has made me who i am today, thank you :]
    i miss you more and more every day.
    i love you.

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