I fucking hate you. Hate you. HATE you. I can’t stand how much I can’t hate you. How much I can get this fucking close to having you but I can’t. I have no chance. I want you all to my god damn self. I would take the risk. If you pinky promised you wouldn’t cheat. I know a pinky promise is young, and childish and stupid. It’s innocent and you’ve never broken one. Its why we only shook hands the night before because we both knew. We both fucking knew we couldn’t hold back. I want you. I want you to be mine and all mine. I hate that I can’t have you, that you can follow me when I run, that you can love her that much. that you tell her you love her, and want to marry her. You’re the one who said you want to start this. and You KNOW I want to start it too. You have no clue how much I want to. I don’t want to be a fuck buddy though. Thats why nick was so easy, because I knew I couldm’t have him, I knew he wasn’t right for me. I fucking knew everything. You though? I’d jump knowing I’d fall. If you dumped her, and asked me out? If I said no once it’d be a ruse to see if I could hear you ask twice, to hear you want me. I want to know how much you want me. I want to know how much I’m worth. I want to know is it because theres no risk? I want to know why you want to fuck me. Is it because I’m pretty? I know you don’t love me. I know it’s not the same. I thought I was just a speed bump to help you get over her. I thought you were over her. I thought a lot of things. Hell I think I might love you. I love when we have sword fights, even though you let me win, I love when you smile and act cute around me and I love the way we talk and the way I feel when I’m around you. I love the way you smell, and the way we kiss, I love seeing you laugh. I love when you look up at me while you cry and I see this little sparkle of hope that seems like one day it could take over. I love when you kiss my head goodbye, and then I kiss your cheek. I love that you play my nintendo and that you call my retainer cute. I love that your girlfriend thinks I’m a threat, and that we hang out all the time. I love holding your hand and when we just hold pinkies, I hate when you lie, I hate when you flirt with my best friend, I hate when my friends don’t tell me everything, I hate when my “friend” lies because she feels threatened. I hate that when we had sex it made me feel perfect, until it made me feel dirty. I love that we can laugh and smile and just be together. I love when you tell me why you want me. I hate that a part of me doesn’t trust any single part of it being anything other then what I want to hear. You do that really well you know? Tell me what I want to hear, But you tell me what I don’t want to hear just as well. I hate being terrified, I hate knowing that I have no reason to believe you wouldn’t cheat and if you were single I would date you in a heart beat. I hate how obvious it is I like you, and that I want to be with you. I hate the way Kayty says were going to get married someday, because I’ve dreamed something of the sort.