• it’s eating me up inside!

    by  • July 21, 2011 • * Safe for Work *, Sex • 5 Comments

    i’m 15 years old and i feel i have disobeyed god. I wear a purity ring, and i take, well, took it very seriously. i had dated my “cousin” as they say, a couple of times. He’s not really my cousin, because we’re not related in any way, shape, or form possible. He is my “step dad’s” sister’s son. My mom is only engaged to him, not married yet. But me and him liked each other from the moment we saw each other. Some would say I’m gross, and perverted, and pathetic. But truth is, we were in love. The thing is, he’s 18. We’ve dated off and on again for the past two years. && we live way too far apart, which is why we always break up. We visit every other month since we own a summer home up there. I just got back a couple days ago and i can not stop thinking about how stupid i am. I feel as if he pressured me into it, yet it’s all MY FAULT. And it’s killing me cause i can’t tell anyone about it. Not my parents cause they would kill me for it being with him. Not my best friend cause right as i WAS about to tell her, she told me about how our friend had sex were her boyfriend the other day, and how me and her were the only ones left. And i feel like i just need to scream it out loud. Anyways, every time we go up there, me and him always end up doing something. And i feel horrible about my last trip. You see, he snuck over my last night there, and we were watching movies together, a regular type thing. i was unaware he had bought condoms before he came over, so he knew he was gonna get me to say yes. I have pushed him and that thought away for the longest time, but he got into my mind. he made me think that i wouldn’t regret it. in fact, he told me a couple of time that i really wouldn’t. the truth is, i honestly do regret it. MAJORLY. and i think he knew i would. he had a girlfriend too that i had no idea about. I’ve never been the other woman, or cheated in my life, and let me tell you now. once i found out, i had a heart clenching feeling that dropped to my stomach. i feel so bad for that poor girl. And if she ever finds out, what would she do? would she hunt me down and beat me up? would she break up with him? What would happen? All this is just killing me talking about it , but i need to get it off my chest. Well, at the time, i couldn’t find my purity ring. My ring has a real jewel in it, so i take it off when i go swimming, which i had that day, and lost it. I guess it still doesn’t make it any better that i did what i did. I hate myself for saying yes, that i would try. i knew from the moment i had said those words, i made a mistake that i won’t ever get to take back. My mom is so proud of me having a purity ring for myself. I’v had it since i was in 7th grade for myself. not for anyone else but me. Im a sophomore now. It makes me feel like a liar. Walking around saying I’m still a virgin when I’m not. I’ve even had thoughts of having sex with someone else just so i can take it off and say i had it with him and not my so called “cousin” which is seriously wrong for me to do. will someone please be so kind as to not judge me, or what I’ve done, but to help me and give me some advice of what i should do with myself? i feel as if I’m about to explode and i cant take it anymore, and I’ve gone crazy );

    5 Responses to it’s eating me up inside!

    1. Rachel
      July 21, 2011 at 10:06 am

      Hi, I’m 15 too and a virgin, but I know this much. This is not your fault. Yes, you made a mistake by saying yes. But it’s his fault for pressuring you, his fault for doing this when he has a girlfriend, his fault for treating a girl like she has no feelings.

    2. Anon
      July 21, 2011 at 3:27 pm

      Hi sweetheart.

      I just want you to know I wish I could give you a hug. You are strong, and smart. Listen, like you said: you wore the purity ring for YOU. It is no one else’s business what happens to your virginity. No one’s. You don’t have to tell anyone about this if you don’t want to, but sex is nothing to be ashamed of. God is a God of grace, and you are already forgiven, I know that much.

      And just because you have had sex this time does not mean you have to again if you do not want to. Don’t let this define you, but learn from the experience. Learn to say no. Learn to make it clear that you will not change your mind. And learn that your body belongs to YOU and to no one else. Not the people you have sex with, not your future husband, not your mother. It is YOUR body.

    3. kari
      July 21, 2011 at 5:37 pm

      This story breaks my heart. I, too, have a purity ring. I’m 19 years old and I’ve recently been both tempted and considering doing things with guys(but haven’t, and your story helps me so thank you!) When I bought my purity ring it also was for ME and not anyone else. only a select few people know that it’s a purity ring and not just a regular ring that I wear every day. anyways, this year at college, I accidentally left it in the bathroom and never got it back. It’s okay to get a new one. God will forgive as long as you seek his forgiveness! you can always re-commit yourself to purity with a different ring. As for your “cousin,” he doesn’t deserve you if he: 1. pressures you the way he did. it’s VERY disrespectful. 2. lies to you by not telling you he has a girlfriend and 3. taking your virginity when he knew how important it was to you. also, extremely disrespectful. I just want you to know that there is hope and you can do your best to start over. don’t put yourself in sketchy situations that could potentially turn awry. don’t answer this guy’s texts or calls because he isn’t worth your time anymore. I wish you the best. My thoughts and prayers <3

    4. michelle
      August 11, 2011 at 7:22 am

      Hey,
      Don’t blame yourself fully for this. You are young and he is old enough to know better. I’m 20, I just recently lost my virginity…I also had a promise ring. I didn’t say yes, it just happened. To say the least, I can relate to how you feel. I just want you to know how valuable you are and that this act does not define you. You are not any less valuable or loveable because of what happened. Do the best you can to learn from what happened and know that its okay. Tell that boy that you are more than a body, you are a human. You and his girlfriend deserve respect.

    5. Melissa
      August 11, 2011 at 11:46 am

      I’m a Catholic girl. 13 and will very soon be 14. I’ve had the whole Chastity talks,etc. Debating whether or not to do it. You are no longer a virgin a virgin by Society’s standards. But you can repent and apologize to God and beg forgiveness and begin practicing Chastity again. God always forgives you and I’m sure he will admire you trying again and choosing now to follow his rule. One day you will tell your future husband this that you were pressured and you slept with one guy when you were young but never did it again and I’m sure he will understand. You sound very upset and it sounds like the experience made you stronger.

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