I know that you will probably never read this or even know that any of this went on but I know writing about this may help this go away. I miss you. Those 3 words can mean so little, but they can also mean so much more. I never knew that when we first starting getting a lot closer, when you and Sarah broke up, that it would mean so much to me. I had been going through a lot of crap within the last few months and it was good escape. I know how people view me. I’m nice girl everyone can come to when they need help. Actually just read what Urban Dictionary says about me. It’s pretty spot on:
“XXXX is a cool and yet friendly person and a laugh to be around with. She will always make you smile when you’re down and always help you with your problems, even if she has her own fair share of problems too! If there were more people like her in the world, well we will be screwed but still! What a lovely person.”
The only thing they’re missing in this “definition” is that they need a “XXXX” themselves. Yeah I would definitely be flattered if people also thought this would be pretty accurate. Anyone would kill to be called a “lovely person” or “a laugh to be around.” But it’s a harder life than many people would understand. Yes I have a very blessed life and I would never ever ask for anything else and I love that I can help people out with anything. I’m flattered that people come to me with their problems and that I can hopefully make their lives easier. That’s exactly what I did for you. At first it was just another person to help. I just didn’t know that giving just another person advice would make such a change. I always felt that we had a different connection though, we both don’t see everything the same as everyone else. Maybe I only think this but I truly believe it.
During the time that you and Sarah had been breaking up I had been going through a lot. Hence the “even if she has her own fair share of problems too.” As we talked more, the more I wanted to tell you. It was something that no one knew about. No one. Michael was the only one that knew that something was up. I had initially told him that there was something going on that I needed to tell Emily and I needed his help to so, but I never actually told him what it was. I didn’t want to escalate the problem into anything more than what it is and that’s why I never told you. I needed the friendship to grow a little more before I would seriously think about telling you. I knew that you would be able to help me. I love Michael so much and I did eventually tell him what it was before I ever told Emily, but I think he didn’t know what to do to help. Our friendship is tied through Emily and I appreciate the relationship that Michael and I have, but that’s how it is. He did give me someone to confess to and help me more then he thought by giving me someone to talk about a problem that I had never talked about before and I love him so much for that. Yeah this has started to go way off track but to get to the point is that I wanted to tell you. I needed to tell you. I was scared shitless to tell Emily. She is ultimately the closest person I have in my personal life and I didn’t know how either of us would react. Michael gave me someone to realize the reality of the situation and how I should tell Emily. You would make me feel that everything was all right and that it was just the past and you would help me move on. The more comfortable I was with the situation the easier it would have been to tell her. Just as I thought it would be a good time to tell you, it slowly slipped away.
I don’t know what happened. Maybe it was because Allie came back in your life or that I was boring or maybe the friendship meant more to me than it did to you. I have a feeling that it was the last one. Honestly I don’t know why it became so important to me so fast. I mean I’m not dumb and I know we didn’t get into the most heartfelt conversations or anything like that but it was an escape and a different perspective. My best friends are Emily, Kalee and Hayley and you know that. But that’s ultimately all I have. I mean obviously I have me family but they’re my family and it’s different. You have always been in our friend group and it was fun to have you to talk to. It’s as simple as that. That’s all I wanted. A friendship. Just someone to talk to about life. Everyone has those people and Emily, Kalee and Hayley are definitely those people in my life but I thought you were going to become one too.
Maybe I’m totally wrong about all of this and this is just a letter that makes me look like the biggest dumbass in the world, but I’m hoping that if that’s the case then at least writing all of this will make me realize it. I doubt that you will ever read this because I don’t think I would ever send this to you unless I really feel that it would make a difference. I really don’t know what to say about the situation. I really just miss you. I miss talking to you about random stuff and just everything. I don’t want our friendship to start to grow again just because of all of this. I want it to happen because you want it to happen too. And that’s why I won’t send this. I don’t want it to be forced and if I ever did send this I would want the truth. I mean if you didn’t feel the same then it would make for a great awkward situation, which you love. But I know that wouldn’t be the reason you would make that decision. Anyways looking at this in retrospect this is pointless. I am telling you that I want our friendship back to what it was. Maybe if it is supposed to be there then it will happen on its own. But maybe sitting back and waiting will just have me doing that. Waiting. So I guess if you get this then I decided I shouldn’t leave it up to faith and take a chance. I don’t know. I say that a lot but honestly I don’t. This is so dumb but it could make a difference. Or it could be pointless. I was hoping that writing all of this would help me with get over it or even figure something out. I have no idea why our friendship means so much to me and maybe that’s what the problem is. So I guess this imaginary letter didn’t help as much as I thought it would but I guess it gave me a place to talk about it. So I guess if you skimp through this letter before you read this here’s a condensed version:
I miss you.
So if you do ever read this, tell me the truth. Lies never help a situation.