• Gooodbye to you.

    by  • July 21, 2011 • * Safe for Work *, Letting Go • 4 Comments

    It’s all a game and I’ve become the prey.

    I want you to speak to me; I want you to leave me alone. One contradiction after the other and I’m left standing where you left me. I don’t know what to ask of you because one way or the other it’s always the same, constant cycle.

    My subconscious warningly whispers: “Perhaps he has moved on; he has moved on. If he cared, if he truly cared, he would put in much more effort. You should know better, you should know better…”

    My heart screams out emptiness. Words fail because it knows the truth that it’s finding tough to accept. There is no justification, no reason as to why I am stuck, trapped in this web of unfulfilled promises and meaningless words.

    And still I shut these thoughts out because they hurt. I recreate the “could have been”, trying to piece together the “what if’s.”

    You let me slip beneath your fingers. I fell headfirst onto the concrete; not once, not twice, but three times. And I broke: physically, mentally, and emotionally.

    Perhaps it’s both our wrongdoings.

    Me: Inexperienced, too shy, and too insecure. A stone brick wall, scared to show emotions, scared to give more. Always scared, always doubting. Because every time I hoped, every time I opened up and gave you part of me, you pulled apart and left with the pieces. You took every single piece, leaving me with fragments of something I can’t define.

    All along you knew my heart. I’m still trying to figure out yours.

    You: Experienced, master of your own game, the ladies’ man, unconquerable, free. Master of words, dashing and flirtatious. Your words are velvet, confident, laced with sincerity, sincerity that I find hard to believe.
    Your actions contradict your words. I find myself believing you, knowing well that I shouldn’t expect anything but just words.

    And the small instances when your actions proved the value of your words? I’ll keep those memories because they’re all I’ll ever have of you.

    I need to let go. This is leading me nowhere. You have chosen your path. And your heart is somewhere out there, unreachable, unattainable. And my heart feels bounded to you. Is that why you come back? You know I’m still here, chained to the remnants of everything you left behind.

    Yet, I want to hold on in vain hopes that maybe one day you’ll stay. The possibility is futile; a speck of light diminishing in an ocean of darkness.

    I fell for you. You said you loved me, you implied your emotions so perfectly, so eloquently. Your affections are something I’ll never be able to decipher.

    I’ll let you fly, I can’t wait no more. My legs yearn to run; my soul yearns to soar in its own direction; far from you.

    As jumbled as these thoughts are, as unsure as I am, I realize: At this moment, I’m not ready anymore; you were never ready. I’m done; you didn’t want anything to begin with.

    Goodbye to you.

    4 Responses to Gooodbye to you.

    1. anonymous
      July 21, 2011 at 1:38 am

      why dont you tell this person that it is time to make a decision of yes or no about the relationship, or if that was done, tell that person straight out it’s over and why?

    2. feelingthesame
      July 21, 2011 at 6:21 am

      i feel exactly the way that you are. i literally stumbled upon this and started crying. i didn’t think anyone was feeling the same way i am. i just feel so lost and helpless and insecure. my anonymous love goes out to you.

    3. M
      July 21, 2011 at 6:34 am

      This is absolutely beautiful, and everything that I have been feeling. There is no way I could have said it better myself. It is time to let go, but there is always that hope that when you do, they will come back. And they can’t just tell the person, Its much too complicated for that.

    4. Anon
      July 21, 2011 at 8:05 pm

      I know how you feel all too well. I wish I could escape my mind; sometimes I convince myself that no one could know me better.

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