How do I begin to explain the hurt seeping from my blackened heart? I know you see it, my pain and tears pooling at your feet… yet you still deny me. Why?
All this time you had been my true love. The one I could rely on and hold on to… the one thing I didn’t think would leave me this time. Gods how wrong could I have been.
It seems I was right. I’m bound to unhappiness and I guess I never knew how to be happy in the first place. Maybe that’s where I fucked up originally. Maybe if I was not so fucked up in the head I’d still be yours. Gods how I long for you.
Your very name makes my chest pang where my heart once beat… the very thought of you and the way you made me feel makes me fall to my knees and wish I could beg.
I would give up anything for you to come back and save me from this hell…
You think that you are being nice in saying “I want to stay friends though”? No. You’re stepping harder on my heart which you tossed to the floor and broke. Its like I can see your foot twisting in the bloody mess you made as a child idly does when squashing its first bug beneath its shoe.
Yet on that very same hand it is this “friendship” that has creeked the very door you slammed on my face loose again. I hope you don’t honestly believe that this was not an obvious option. But maybe it is your test. Are you asking me to take that step and show what I would do for your love? If that is true then I, like the true little mermaid, will dance on knives if it makes you grin for me once more. If my pain leads to your relieving comfort… I will take more agony than I could ever bare before and do so with a smile for you.
Funny how life is to some.
There are people that know no suffering other than what can be assumed from a dictionary… then there are those that know only to read happiness from that very same text. They say all things are balanced in this world but truly this cannot be the case. If this was so why would the things Ive seen and done exist or be possible? Why would I only find sympathy or concern in the eyes of those that know me? Why would I be one of the few selected to witness all that should stay hidden in life? And most of all…why would I be left to do this alone?
It is beyond me to try and understand this world. All I can do is bleed for you and hope you will see to these wounds and if nothing else restore me back to function. Until then, I will do just that, bleed till I can no more and be your perfect little friend that will never tell you how much my insides cry out for you.
I wish you could hear me. And I wish I had your hand in mine once more… It was then and only then I felt strong enough to fight through my battles and keep my head above the waters of misery.
I’ll wait for as long as I can but it is hard to breathe with all this water refilling my lungs.