• To Someone Very Special

    by  • July 20, 2011 • * Safe for Work *, Fear • 2 Comments

    We’ve been together a while now and I can’t quite reach the happiness I intended.

    You see, I knew what I wanted from the first day I met you. You belonged to someone else, as did I. I knew I wasn’t happy with where I was, but if I couldn’t have you I didn’t want to lose what I had either. I honestly didn’t think I stood a chance. It still shocks me to this day that I have you, that for some reason I got lucky and got exactly what it is I wanted.

    And yet, I thought I’d be a lot happier than I am by this point. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mean to sound selfish. I just can’t help but feel concerned. I feel like you’re still holding out for your ex-girlfriend. It doesn’t help that I’m such good friends with her now, that I know how amazing she is. I think you were crazy for giving her up and I guess I’m just afraid that you feel the same.

    I feel like I can’t let myself fall completely in love with you because you’re going to wake up one day and realise that you need to fight for her and I’ll just be left here, clutching at the pieces of my broken heart.

    Do you get so frustrated with me because I don’t understand you like she does? Do you not want to be as affectionate because it’s not her lips you’re kissing or hand you’re holding? When you wake up in the morning and see me lying next to you does your heart sink because the eyes you’re seeing aren’t hers?

    Is the reason you’re so much more loving over texts because you can imagine that you’re sending those messages to her and not me?

    I’ve seen the way you are together and can’t help thinking that perhaps you were made for one another. Perhaps I’m just the person you’ve found that will help you realise that, I really hope I’m not.

    It’s tearing me apart baby, I want to be the person you look at and think “yeah, she’s the one for me” Because when I see you my heart skips a beat and I can’t help but smile. When I turn over in the morning and see you lying next to me I honestly believe I’ve won some amazing prize.

    Out of everyone I met, you were the only one I wanted. The one I was willing to give everything I had up for. I just wish things were the same for you.

    I love you

    2 Responses to To Someone Very Special

    1. Angel
      July 20, 2011 at 10:25 pm

      This sounds like something my best friend could have wrote to her boyfriend. I’ve never thought of myself as an ex-girlfriend though because we only had one night, way way before her time… albeit it was a very special night.

      I worry about them all the time… I worry that I will come in between the two of them and that they both will end up hating me. I voiced my concern to her recently when I felt like she might be trying to pit me against him and she told me that we would always be friends… I hope so. But yes, there are feelings between him and I because of what happened and I think we will always hold that memory dear and marvel at how it happened.

      I never thought I would end up best friends with his girlfriend but it happened.. I found a friend, a really really good friend in her. I don’t think I could be as understanding if I was in her situation but I know she trusts me. I also have come to realize that although her trust in me is strong… she still doesn’t trust him. I am afraid the idea of me meaning so much to him will tear them apart because she doesn’t understand it. He told me she needs him… I worry that when she no longer “needs” him, she will no longer “want” him. I am afraid of losing one or both of them as friends, because she is the one that is keeping us in each other’s life. All I want is to be in his life… somehow, someway. If they are truly happy and truly in love then I wish them all the happiness in the world and I hope to be a part of that journey.

      And if this is you gf… I love you!! And I am truly sorry I am not strong enough to tell you or him how I feel in person. But if you go back and read some of these letters… you will know I have been here. I am not sorry nor do I regret how I feel or felt…. everything happens for a reason and this is just one of those things. I often ponder the reason and as I go along in life, I wonder why it happened and why us. You have to know that stuff like this doesn’t just happen everyday… you have a better chance of winning the lottery!! So yeah, it means something to us and I know it hurts for you to see just how much it does mean. I never meant for you to hurt from this, that is why I tried to pull away from our friendship on more occasions that you will ever know about, even if it meant walking out of his life too. But it did mean something and your friendship means something to me too… you both mean the world to me and I meant that when I said it. I am saddened that we have to hide how we feel about it now, but we or at least I do it for you. The last thing I want is for you to resent my presence in both your lives. I love you both from the heart… you are my soul family.

    2. Angel
      July 20, 2011 at 11:32 pm

      And the latest reason I tried to walk away from this friendship is because I don’t want him to think I am a bad influence on your decisions. I don’t want him to think I am trying to get the two of you to break up because that is the furthest from the truth. But I want you to be happy and if you can’t find your happiness with him, I need you to understand that I will stop by to visit him from time to time, and that I still want to be your very best friend and you mine. But I am afraid if this is to ever happen… I will lose both of you.

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